Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Natural Childbirth, Fake Nails

God having the sense of humor that he does made it possible for me to spend an hour in a pedicure chair next to an extremely pregnant woman.

As luck would have it she was pregnant with her first child and had this insane notion that natural childbirth was the only way to go.  I know this because she spent 20 minutes on her iPhone talking about it.

Those of you that know me , know that the minute she finished the phone call I had to lean over and say "Natural childbirth with no painkillers, really?" Of course I said it with concern and as much tact as I could muster.

By the time she finished babbling to me about how natural was so much better for the baby,blah, blah, blah I had time to assess her from head to toe.

Miss Natural had a fake tan, acrylic nails and bleached blonde hair.  If she succeeded in natural childbirth it was be the first natural thing that had happened to her body in a very long time.

After she explained her side to me I gave her my version.  Labor hurts.  It hurts really bad.  It lasts a really long time. Oh, and did I mention it hurts?  Saying you want to labor for 12 or so hours naturally is like having a car wreck, being trapped in the car and telling the paramedics to come back in 24 hours because you really think you can wiggle your way out.

I know there may be those of you reading that disagree.  You feel the natural birthing process is a beautiful thing.  To you I say diamonds are beautiful but pushing an eight pound baby out of your vajayjay without pain relieving intervention is not beautiful.

I would give anything to be in the labor/delivery room with Miss Acrylic Nails.  By all indications the most painful thing that had happened to her so far is that she had to give up her size 0 jeans and move to a size 6 to accommodate her belly.

I could be wrong but my guess is that after it is all over she will forever believe that the nice anesthesiologist is her new best friend. I still send mine a thank you note on my kids birthdays.

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