Sunday, May 26, 2013

New Blog Page

Please go to  to see my new blog page as well as all the other fun things I have added! Don't forget to "follow" me and subscribe and I will come to you.  

Monday, May 13, 2013

Favorite Things For Summer

Word on the street is that it is supposed to be spring around here but the temperature is still dipping close to freezing at night. All this cold weather has left me nothing to do but shop online and drink wine. Lucky for you I have found some hot and fun items for the summer and all you have to do is click on the link and purchase.  My mission is to feed your shopping addiction.  Fabulous loves company!

Love it! Love it!

1. This beautiful necklace was literally screaming my name.  I love all things monogrammed and shiny so this was perfect.  Browse other fabulous items at Monogramsical and tell them I sent you.     /

Baseball Bling!

2.The ballpark can be a dusty messy place but with these shiny shoes I will be blinged out and full of spirit when the West Oakland Warriors take the field.  Go to Cocomo Soul and get yourself a pair!

Drink up!

3.  The coolest and hottest tumbler for the beach or the  ballpark this summer. Order one for you and one for your best friend and partner in crime.  Go to Hot Mess Mom and tell her you saw her on my blog.  She is fabulous!

Friday, May 3, 2013

Daycare and Diesel And Things That Go Boom In The Night

Spring has finally sprung and the time has come to open up the windows and let in some fresh air.  The birds are chirping and you can hear lawn mowers off in the distance, unless that is you have neighbors like mine.

I live directly behind an elderly couple.  She runs a daycare and he shoots off fireworks randomly all year long.  Don't they sound lovely?

From the time the snow melts until it blankets the ground again my neighbor will just randomly and without any warning start shooting off fireworks.  There is nothing like laying in bed at night and having firecrackers and bottle rockets start to explode.  My poor beagle jumps straight up in the air and lands in the middle of my bed.  Apparently he is afraid of loud noises which explains why this adorable dog breed for hunting was abandoned at the shelter. We lay together alternating licks on my emergency Xanax until it subsides.

My next door neighbor and I have both lost our minds and left out bodies and ended up standing in the mulch behind our houses in our pajamas yelling at him to stop at the top of our lungs  It's not pretty but that is what he has driven us to.

We have called the police numerous times and nothing ever happens.  So we live in a firecracker war zone of fear during the summer.

His wife runs a daycare and those kids love to play outside and they all have great lungs. Aside from the firecrackers, there is nothing quite like being startled by a toddler screaming blue bloody murder 12 times a day while Ms Mary yells "use your words".

I know by now you are wondering where I live and if you too could own a home where there is so much excitement and entertainment.  Just when I thought after ten summers it couldn't get worse they got a new dog named Diesel. I am assuming their old dog either died from a firecracker induced heart attach or finally ran away.

Diesel is a very large dog and apparently not very smart.  Diesel wanders away ALL THE TIME!  All day every day you hear Diesels name about 500 times.  After the kids yell for him for about five minutes Ms. Mary starts yelling for him and then finds him and drags him back instructing him that wondering away from the yard is an NO NO.  I am not optimistic that he is getting it.

So during the day I listen to kids gone wild and the hunt for Diesel and in the evening I get the firework show.

I can't wait until it gets hot so I can justify turning on the air , closing the windows and tuning out the neighbors.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Massage Tension

It didn't say anything in the brochure but I am assuming it is frowned upon when you fart during a massage.

At least that was the assumption I was going on last night as I mastered the technique of clenching the lower portion of my body while trying to get my $60 worth of relaxation out of the upper half of my body.

I blame those darn people that keep encouraging me to eat healthy.  All I hear from my "healthy" friends is that I  should eat more salad, fruit and vegetables.  If it won't t spoil then it isn't healthy for me.  Personally I don't think my Oreos should be persecuted for their longevity but whatever.

Even the girls at work that could have been counted on a few months ago for a Wendy's run are bringing salads for lunch.  The days of a cheeseburger and fries for lunch are over.

The thing these "healthy" people don't tell you is that when you fill your body with all this good food you begin to produce gases.  Those gases are expelled from your body.  If you are over forty they apparently don't give you much warning.

So last night as I begin to undress and prepare for my massage my lunch and dinner salads began to perform their magic and make my life miserable.

Of course the massage therapist wanted me to start the session face down which meant there would be no line of defense between her and my healthy life style side effects except a thin sheet.  As she began to massage my aching shoulders I began the balance of relaxing the upper body muscles and tightening the lower body muscles.

After 60 minutes of this I was exhausted but no "exhaust" had slipped out.  I had made it!  I thanked Kelly (who was amazing) and she left while I dressed and relaxed if you know what I mean.  Let's just say I am sure LaVida is thankful I was the last appointment of the night.

I went home and promptly had four Oreos.  Apparently preservatives in food help preserve your dignity as well as their shelf life.

Long live the Oreo!!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Forty Eight And Fabulous

I have come a long way since this photo was taken.  My thighs are still chubby and my hair is still a hot mess but other than that I have learned a lot.

On this my 48th birthday I have taken a few moments away from being fabulous to reflect on things I plan to do differently in the next 48.

I plan on laughing a whole lot more.  Sometimes it will be with you and sometimes it will be at you but I am done taking life seriously.

I will win the chin hair battle.  Laser attacks, tweezers, whatever it takes I will not wake up with a beard without a fight.

I will move more.  Please don't be alarmed.  I will not be running like all my other forty something friends that seem to have lost their damn mind and are running marathons.  But I do want to be able to make my way from Macy's to Lord and Taylor without the assistance of a walker when I am 80.  Training for retail retirement is serious business.

Hugging is going to be more abundant.  I grew up in the South where you hug everyone in the house before you go to the store.  This move up north has hardened me.  I need to get back to my roots (not my gray roots those will still be covered every four weeks). Michael won't be thrilled now but one day he will be glad I was such a pain in the butt about it.

I am going to spend more money on good bras and comfortable shoes.  Please let me clarify, I won't wear ugly shoes, EVER.  They will have to be fabulous as well as comfortable.

The next 48 years will mean more books and bubble baths.  I am going to spend more time just enjoying life and not giving a darn about what other people think.  Remember as my mother always said "it's not what you're called , it's what you answer to".

I am going to eat more cupcakes! Have you ever seen anyone eating a cupcake with a frown on their face?  Cupcakes are the Prozac of the bakery world.

My house won't be perfect but it will be a place my kids and their friends will feel at home. Houses are for living in and snuggling up with the ones you love not for showing off how perfect you are. This one was easy to commit to since I still have Christmas decorations in the dining room.  I am going to assume that Michael and his friends hang out here because it's so festive.

I am going to nurture my relationships and be thankful for all the wonderful people I have in my life.  When it is all said and done your job isn't what matters.  Making a difference in the lives of others is more important than being the first person in the office or the last to leave at night.

I want to enjoy watching my kids make their mark on the world and being an example of how to enjoy life to its fullest. I am going to let them live their lives free from advice from me.  (O.k. that is a big lie but I am sure they cherish all the advice I give them.)

I am going to embrace the number 48 and not worry about making a million dollars or trying to be a size six.   My only goal is to be forty eight and fabulous!!! Bring on the cupcakes!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother

Please pass me a Xanax and a glass of wine.

My mother is visiting and I have one nerve left.  Apparently I have just been lounging around thinking I was a productive effective parent and person when that couldn't be further from the truth.

Before she got here I had no idea that my dog was over weight and my kids were under fed.  I didn't know my house was cold or that my whites weren't quite white enough.

I was also blissfully unaware that with all the "running around" I do that I should be a lot thinner than I am.  However with all the running around I do she is still mystified as why I am so tired.

My refrigerator needed cleaning and the expensive container of grated cheese that I had been rationing on my salads needed to be thrown out because it smelled funny.  My guess is it didn't smell like Velveeta so she tossed it.

I have too many stairs, too much room and I don't keep it clean enough.  She is also not sure what my cleaning lady does even though she was here for three and a half hours cleaning while mother watched her like she was auditioning for the role of one of mean girls on The Help. If we had good silver she would be counting it.

She told me my coat didn't look like something I would wear and that it looked like a boys coat.

When asked what I did different to my hair today I foolishly took it as a compliment until she followed it with  "because it really looked good yesterday!"

Today I took her shopping and while I waited in the check out line at Kohl's and I told her to go over and have a seat by the door to rest her back.  Apparently someone that was as fat and poorly dressed as me walked out and she started yelling  "Hey, Hey are you going to leave me here".  As she tried to get up out of the chair and chase that poor woman out to the parking lot I found myself flailing my arms and yelling "Mother, have I ever left you at a store?"  She finally saw me and sat back down and said "Not yet." like it was just a matter of time.

I could just see the people behind me searching for the number for Adult Protective Services.  I just don't know which one of us that are coming to help.

Friday, March 8, 2013

T.S.A. Help Me Understand

Can someone please explain to me why it is now o.k. to carry a knife on to an airplane but you practically get arrested when you try to bring four ounces of conditioner in your carry on ? What do they think I am going to do over condition the pilot's hair until it falls in his eyes and then I take over the plane? 

I am beyond perplexed.  The T.S.A. came out with new guidelines (right before I am ready to travel I might add) that say you can carry large baseball bats, hockey sticks and knives with a 2.36 inch blade on airplanes.  But don't get hysterical with fear people, the hand lotion and Dove body wash is still off limits.

Why does anyone need to carry a pocket knife on an airplane?  Are they planning on whittling during the flight?  Have they been misled into thinking they will need to cut their own limes for their in flight cocktail?  I really need their reasons to be clarified.

In an article I read today it stated that "acts of aberrant, abusive and abnormal passenger behavior know as air rage remain the most persistent threat to aviation security".  So let me get this straight, the main problem with security is crazy passengers and now the crazy passengers will have knives. 

The last time I flew I had a tad bit of "air rage" myself.  I had forgotten to take a four ounce bottle of lotion out of my carry-on bag.  It was 6 a.m. in the morning, not the best time of the day for me, and I tried to be nice and explain that since the bottle was half empty that it was really only two ounces of lotion.  Little Miss "don't make me taser you" was not buying it.  I hadn't  had enough diet coke to be rational so I decided to argue with her.  Luckily, Brad had the good sense to lead me away before I received one the the T.S.A.'s "special searches".  

I would just like to say in my defense that the entire reason people have to pack their cosmetics in their carry on is because the airlines are so great about losing our luggage. If you think air rage is bad, you have never seen a woman on vacation without her make-up.