Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Plug Puller Position Filled

Please note that I plan on living forever, but wanted to have my ducks in a row just in case.  It's like will but funnier.....

I am very pleased to announce that my best friend Tara Lagestee has been appointed Official Plug Puller in the event the life saving power plug ever needs to be pulled.

I have given this much consideration since my divorce and found Tara to be the most logical choice.  Tara is prepared to assume this position and has been given the following instructions as to my wishes.

Don't unplug me until I am at least a size 8 unless I start to bloat and then unplug immediately

Until such time as the plug is pulled my hair must be colored every four weeks, my nails done every two weeks and my chin hairs plucked on a daily basis.  Even if the rest of my body is failing I feel quite certain that those stubborn little suckers will continue to thrive.  Upper lip should be waxed on an as needed basis.

If I am a vegetable but not in need of a plug, please give me several Ambien and smother me with a pillow.  The pillow must have a case with a thread count of at least 600 because I don't want some cheap linen marks on my face for the viewing.

I should have on at the bare minimum earrings and a necklace at all times.  People don't want to wail and sit and stare at a person in a persistent vegetative state that is not properly accessorized.  Perhaps that just applies to me but just in case adorn me with sparkles.

If my condition was a result of an accident that is news worthy Tara has the picture I want displayed on the news and in print.  Laugh if you want, but which picture would your husband hand over to Ruth Spencer of Channel 4?

There should definitely be a viewing because laying on my back will make my wrinkles less evident.  Remember you only get one chance to make a last impression.

Tune in tomorrow when I announce the candidate chosen as At Home Crisis Liaison.  The competition was tight but I am pleased to announce one candidate meet all the qualifications.

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