Well we are back from New York and I will be posting all the fun stories tomorrow but for now I wanted to talk about my weekend. I made my first trip to my dad's house since the funeral and it was as terrible as I had imagined. When someone dies you are so busy with all the details and preparations that it is easy to consume yourself with these tasks. But now the thank you notes have been written and all that is left is to try to get used to a world without him in it. I remember watching Grey's Anatomy when George's dad died and Christina was telling him he was part of a new club, the "your dad is gone" club. Well, the club sucks!!!!! I go over in my head a million times a day how I could have not known how sick he was. Did I carelessly miss the signs? Should I have insisted he go to the Dr. for his back at Thanksgiving? I live in the land of what ifs and I wish I would haves. In my family I am the one who swoops in and takes care of everyone. That's my job. Tony is the funny one, grandmother is the worrier and I am the one that takes care of all the little details. I tried to get his MRI moved up but should I have just driven down there and made him go to the ER? I feel like I failed at my job. I just sat there and watched my knight in shining armour slip away and there was nothing I could do.
His house doesn't feel like home anymore. There are so many memories and they are so painful to remember that all I wanted to do was sleep the entire weekend. I just wanted to wake up and walk into the kitchen and laugh with him. I always remember laughing when I was with him. No matter how bad the situation we would always end up finding something funny. I know the day will come when I will be able to think back on all those great times and it won't feel like someone is stabbing me in the heart and I hope that day is very soon. I want to think of him without getting a lump in my throat. I want to feel normal again. I want to be the girl whose worst fear was being a member of that club instead of the girl who keeps waking up in her nightmare. I feel like I will never be the same and I guess I won't. I will always be walking around with this hole in my heart and wishing I could just hug him one more time. I have his Tennessee hat that he always wore and I allow myself one time a day to just hold it up and smell it. If I close my eyes it feels just like I am hugging him because the scent is so familiar and wonderful. My dad was very particular about his appearance and always smelled of cologne. When I was a little girl and he was getting ready for work he would always say to me "I can't wait until tomorrow" and I would always ask "why" and he would say "cause I get better looking every day" . He would smile and I would laugh but deep down I thought it was true. I thought he did get better looking everyday.
I pray that my kids enjoy and love me 1/10 as much as I did him. He made me feel pretty and smart and funny just by looking at me with that twinkle in his eye. Really what more can you ask from your daddy?