It's official. I took the Doom's Day Prepper quiz and if a catastrophic event occurs my survival time is approximately 0-1 week. I think they were being very generous.
I was recently alerted to the fact that I might be the slightest bit unprepared when I happened upon the show Doom's Day Preppers on the National Geographic Channel. Landing on this channel was pure accident as I was trying to find Sex and the City reruns and pushed the wrong button on the remote. Something about it caught my eye and I was hooked.
On the episode I watched the woman was hoarding food all over her house. She had canned goods under the bed, hidden in the attic and even took the bedroom door apart and stashed 74 packages of Lipton onion soup mix between the wood panels. The first thing I thought would be that I would be spending my final days walking around the house mumbling "Where did I put that soup mix?".
I am in no way shape or form ready for survival. If my electricity goes out for more than twenty minutes there's a good chance I won't make it. I valet park at the mall and can only shop for a couple of hours without needing a diet coke break and some sugar. I can't really see myself tackling survival with very much gusto.
For a second they sucked me in and I thought to myself that maybe I better start preparing but then I remembered that it is difficult for me to keep fresh bread and milk on hand. Storage is also a issue. If there was a chance I was going to have to get rid of shoes and purses to make way for Lipton onion soup mix then I was out. Who eats onion soup anyway?
A mouse in my house almost sent me to the Hampton Inn so I can't imagine myself trapping a goat in a camouflaged hole or chopping the head off a chicken. Call me crazy but a goat in a hole would just be annoying and if that chicken started chasing me I would have a heart attack. Neither sounded like great options to me.
Looking through my pantry and fridge I realized that I had plenty of Skinny Girls Margaritas, some sugar cookie vodka and an abundance of chocolate. If times got really tough there was some canned tuna and about 30 packages of Cool Ranch Doritos. We don't eat Cool Ranch Doritos but they always come in the variety package so we end up with tons leftover. These seemed like enough to get me through my projected 0-1 week quite well. Who needs a water purifier when I have two cases of diet coke in the garage.
If you take into account my level of commitment and inability to slaughter small animals it is much more likely that I will end my week of survival draped in jewelry lounging on the couch eating semi sweet chocolate chips out of the bag and chasing them with sugar cookie vodka shots. Let it not be said that this girl didn't have a plan.