The Worst First Day of the Rest of My Life

I am a 45 year old perimenopausal woman. I am aging at a rapid pace. I am gaining weight faster than the Titanic took on water. It's not fair, it's not fun and there appears to be no end in sight.

Today I decided I was going to have to be proactive or at least more active to combat these unattractive aspects of the aging process.

I woke up energized! Today would be the day I would turn it all around. I would have a healthy breakfast and work-out. This would no doubt cause me to be so motivated that I would grill chicken for dinner, moisturize and floss before bedtime and still have the energy to read a few chapters in a riveting self help book. This was going to be the most amazing first day of the rest of my life.

Well, I did eat a healthy breakfast. I attempted to read the paper but couldn't find my reading glasses. With healthy breakfast checked off my life changing list I headed upstairs to get into my workout attire. After five minutes of trying to get into a sports bra I was sweating and had to lay down on the bed.

The sports bra is not for the faint of heart. In order to keep your breasts in a flattened and motionless position they are apparently made with elastic about the same size as the rubber band wrapped around my morning newspaper.

After I got it over my head and shoulders it just rolled into a two inch line. It wouldn't go back over my head or over my breasts. I wrestled and pulled it from side to side. It was not a pretty sight. I was worried that the bra was going to cut off the blood supply to my lower body and some hot fireman was going to have to come and break down my door and cut me out of this contraption.

The fear of the cute fireman seeing me in tight black workout pants and a sports bra tourniquet gave me the adrenaline rush I needed to force the "super squeezer" into the correct position. The good news is the bra made my chest look smaller. The bad news is the smaller my chest looks the larger my stomach looks.

I walked down two flights of stairs only to discover the treadmill was in an upright position and blocked by the baby bed we had to take out of the storage area to make room to install the new water heater. This was really more than I had anticipated for the first day of the rest of my life.

It was 9 a.m. and I was exhausted, parts of me were being held hostage by Lycra and I was in desperate need of a Payday bar. The rest of the day spiraled downhill from there and ended with me ordering pizza for dinner.

I decided to heed the wise words of Miss Scarlett O'Hara, "Tomorrow is another day". Of course it was much easier for her, she had a 24 inch waist.