Sunday, February 3, 2013

Rite Aid Gone Terribly Wrong

Every once in a while you have a moment that freezes in time and you know you will remember forever.  I had one of those on Saturday night in a Rite Aid in Flint.

The evening began with me in a wonderful restaurant with the love of my life having a romantic dinner to celebrate his birthday. No kids, no pizza or chicken nuggets. Just the two of us alone and acting all grown up.

We ordered drinks and I ordered Salmon Oscar.  It was crab cakes, topped with salmon, lobster and a rich creamy sauce.  It melted in my mouth and I washed it down with a sweet riesling wine.  It was a wonderful romantic much needed dinner. To top off the evening we ordered a slice of turtle cheesecake and two spoons. Perfection!

On our way to see the musical Shrek I began to feel a rumbling in my stomach that told me my system wasn't used to such fine dining.  McDonald's hamburger, no problem.  Real food, full system rejection.

No every area in Flint is a desirable place to stop but we found a Rite Aid and I went in to get Imodium to try to stage a counter attack on my full system rejection of real food.

I had just grabbed the items I needed when I realized it was too late to intervene.  I stood cross legged in aisle 5 and told Brad to go find out where their restrooms were located.  At this point I needed the most direct route to the facilities to avoid disaster.  I knew I could only run so far with my legs crossed so I had to be smart about this. As my sweet fiance stood patiently waiting to ask the question my situation went to DEFCON 5.  I raced to the front of the store and blurted out "WHERE IS YOUR BATHROOM?".

The sweet cashier replied "We don't have a public restroom".  At that moment our eyes meet and I said through gritted teeth "You have to have something" and she knew that it was either break the rules or get the mop. The last thing I heard was "all the way back and to the left. BE CAREFUL!!".  I raced through the stock room past the mop bucket and into the men's restroom.  At this point whether the stick figure on the door had on a dress was the least of my worries.  How do you spell relief? Stock room bathroom.

After my walk of shame to the front of the store, I thanked the cashier. As soon as we got in the car I grabbed the box of Imodium and couldn't decide if I should take two tablets or just leave two tablets in the box and take the other 34.  The decision was made for me by the degree of difficulty in getting the self respect saving pill out of the package.  Why would you make a pill that you need to take to avoid pooping your pants in public in such a sophisticated terrorist proof package?  In my opinion they should be readily accessible and dissolve under your tongue like a Nitroglycerin tablet. When you need them there is seldom time to waste.

So while there are many things I will remember about the weekend Brad turned 44 I will never forget that the celebration was almost trumped by the number two.

3 comments:

Evette Ownby said...

Oh My-Lanta!! Thanks for the laugh!

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