because I fear I would attempt to use it. If you had told me that I would be falling in love with babies at this point in my life I would have told you that you were certifiably insane. I have long since been OVER the "baby phase" and quite frankly have never looked back. But lately I just long for a baby. Their little cherub like faces are everywhere..they look so sweet and I just want to snuggle them in my arms. I see all the little cute clothes and just want to gather them in my arms and rush to the check-out. I know this is absolutely crazy but it is what it is and I am praying it will pass. I discussed this with the kids and they had very different points of view. Ashley reacted with "are you crazy...do you really think you want get up at 3 a.m. with a baby?" "No" I replied" I thought you could do that and then by the time you go to college the baby would be sleeping thru the night." She did not find this at all funny (hope my new baby has a better sense of humor) and left with a stern warning to not even think about this topic again. That's my pragmatic, mature no nonsense girl. Michael on the other hand replied "COOL can we get a black baby? I always wanted a black baby......" That's Michael, not thinking at all about how much work it would be but how cool it would be and this would be his chance to finally be black which is his dream. No thoughts about the responsibility or that no matter what race the baby is we would still have to feed it.
This crazy baby obsession will pass and I am smart enough to know that I am just realizing that this job I love is coming to an end. For the last 17 years everything I have done has been centered around one goal...the kids and I guess I am a little scared about how things will be different when I am not making lunches and helping kids study for tests. In my heart I know I am really good at this job and I guess I worry about being downsized. My friends say it is somewhat "normal" to feel this way and I am lucky that without my good ole uterus I am safe from making a rash decision that would put me at kindergarten orientation on my 50th birthday. But it just goes to show that life is always changing and things I would have bet the bank would never be an issue for me have a way of sneaking into my reality. Life and the way it keeps changing never ceases to amaze me. Why is it when I think I have it all figured out it life throws me a curve ball?
I guess I have to just keep dreaming new dreams, facing new realities and embracing where I am in this journey. When I look at what I have accomplished with my children in the past 17 years it gives me hope that I can be productive and face my life after kids . I may need a new "baby" to tend to . ... whether it be a new career or adventure or whatever I encounter.