* * * * * * Kim's Crazy Life* * * * * *

Medicate Me For Overtime

2012-01-31T19:17:00.000-08:00

I don't do well with close games. Don't get me wrong I don't want to lose by a million points but those nail biting overtime games just about kill me. Both teams always want it so badly. They are all hustling and trying as hard as humanly possible to come out on top. Meanwhile I am in the stands trying to come out of the game with my manicure still intact.

I could never be the mom of an Olympic athlete. Having so much on the line with so much to lose and me not having any control over the outcome would require a Valium IV drip from the opening ceremonies to the final competition.

My problem with all sporting events is that someone has to lose.

It is for that very reason that I hate the Super Bowl. Every year there is all the hype and hoopla. They show the quarterbacks families in their seats all decked out in their teams sports gear. Their kids have their faces painted with their daddy's number and everyone is all smiles. That is until the game is over.

When the crowd on the field is celebrating I can't help but think back to the families of the opposing team making their way to their cars. The kids are sniffling and asking "what do you mean we aren't going to Disney World?". Can't you just see their little pitiful faces?

I know all you sports buffs are cringing right now and feeling the urge to give me a lecture about how competition builds character. I know, I know but does it always have to involves some one's heart getting broken?

Being People, Not Parents

2012-01-30T18:05:00.000-08:00

Last weekend my boyfriend and I spent two hours being people and not parents. This may sound like a very mundane and ordinary feat but for us it was a rarity.

Together we have four teenagers. That alone keeps us extremely busy and we are fortunate to have kids that call us and communicate on a regular basis. Add to that two houses, two jobs and a dog and we are crazy busy and often over committed.

But for a few hours the other night we sat and had a grown up dinner with friends There was a bar and we had a glass of wine. We ordered an appetizer that was not mozzarella sticks and had a conversation that didn't involve grades, clothes or college majors. When our dinners arrived they were not served with fries and no where on the menu was the word "chicken nugget".

During dinner we laughed and talked and held hands under the table. It felt cozy, romantic and very adult. For a few hours we were just two people in love having dinner and grown up conversation.

It was very fun while it lasted. By the end of the dinner, I had six missed calls and my daughter finally sent Brad a text to have me call her ASAP.

The next few hours while our expensive food was digesting we helped my daughter figure out how to get five hours away in a snow storm to a concert that she had just won tickets to on Facebook. By the time the rosy glow of the wine had worn off we were finding a tow truck and booking a hotel and talking my daughter through her first accident. We navigated through the chaos and car towing with the ease of old pros.

There is nothing in the world we do that is more important than what we do as parents. But I truly believe the few moments we spend getting to just be people strengthens our souls and our psyche and prepares us for the really important tasks like getting my daughter to the concert in one piece.

Cardiac A-Breast

2012-01-26T19:22:00.000-08:00

Today as I was driving to work I thought I was having a heart attack. Every time I took a deep breath I had a sharp pain in the middle of my chest. "This is it" I thought. This was my payback for all the Doritos and cheeseburgers. The time had come to face the music for the treadmill collecting dust in my basement.

I remembered that after my dad had his heart attack that I had started carrying an emergency aspirin in my purse. However that was about thirty or forty purse changes ago and I couldn't for the life of me (no pun intended) remember where it was.

Then it occurred to me that I don't have an emergency person. I am divorced and my oldest child is away at college. They would have to start calling random numbers in my phone. What if I needed a heart catheterization? Had I shaved my legs in the shower this morning? I really should have made my friend Tara my go to person but she is in Chicago. Why was it I had someone designated to pluck my random chin hairs but not one to make the big decisions? Then I was back to where in the name of all that was holy had I put that emergency aspirin?

This all occurred in about three minutes. Just before I was ready to call and leave the "goodbye" voice mail I realized that I wasn't having a heart attack. My under wire had come out of my bra and was poking me in the chest. Talk about a massive adrenaline letdown.

What I thought was going to be a life altering day turned out to be just another reminder of why I need to go bra shopping.....and find my emergency aspirin.

ADHD Attention Deficit Housecleaning Disorder

2012-01-24T19:54:00.000-08:00

I have diagnosed myself with ADHD: Attention Deficit Housecleaning Disorder. I have suffered from this affliction for years and it is beginning to take it's toll.

Symptoms of this disease include but are not limited to cleaning the junk drawer when you have no clean underwear, organizing your jewelry when you should really be changing your sheets and leaving laundry in the washer for way too long while organizing your spices.

This disease is debilitating. It causes feelings of worthlessness and despair. You begin shunning your friends because you realize that the Christmas decorations are still piled on your dining room table but your magazines are alphabetized.

The ADHD episodes go something like this. You walk into your kitchen to a sink full of dirty dishes and cluttered counters. Before you can empty the sink you must unload the dishwasher. As you are unloading the dishwasher you notice that the big and the little spoons are mixed together. You can't ignore that right? So you decide just to separate the spoons. As you are separating the spoons you notice that the bottom of the cutlery organizer is dirty. How this happens I don't know since you only put clean cutlery in it but none the less you begin to take out all the silverware and wipe out the organizer.

While emptying the drawer you realize you have several of those coffee cups lids stored in there. They should be stored with the travel coffee mugs because that way you will have them together when you need them, even though you don't drink coffee.

After the travel mugs are organized your realize that several of the glasses belong to the set in the basement. You take the glasses and sit them at the top of the basement stairs so that your teenage son can walk past them for a few weeks.

Back to the silverware drawer. Upon inspection it becomes clear that someone has taken some of the good silver and placed it in the drawer. That has to be put back in the little silver pouch in the dining room.

Back to the silverware drawer. Why on earth are the little spreaders shaped like Christmas trees still in there? You put them beside the glasses so they can be carried to the basement and put in the Christmas entertaining tote.

As you are sorting the spreaders the one with the daisies comes apart. It will just take a second to hot glue it so you head to the craft drawer for the hot glue gun.

Hours later the silverware drawer and the craft drawer are organized. You feel such a sense of accomplishment until you look over and see the dishwasher is still half full and the sink is still full of dishes.

After all this organizing you go to bed disgusted with yourself for not being able to complete one simple task like loading the dishwasher.

When you think things can 't get worse you open the bathroom drawer to get your toothbrush and give another half hour of your life to this insidious diease.

There is no end to the madness and no telethon to raise funds for folks like us. So the next time you are at my house and the sink is full of dishes, just shake your head and say "Bless her heart" because my ADHD made me do it.

Black And White And Always Right

2012-01-23T20:37:00.000-08:00

I want to be 18 again. When you are 18 the world seems so clear to you. You have definite opinions and there are no gray areas. Everything is black and white and you think you are always right.

I remember those days when I thought "I would never tolerate that from my husband" but I did. I was so sure my children would never watch Barney but after a couple of years of not even being able to go to the bathroom alone Barney became both our best friends. I wasn't going to compromise myself for a job or do anything that was against my beliefs. I was going to be a leader and take control and single handedly change the world. The only thing stronger than my convictions was the certainty that I would be the first one to have it all.

We all think we know how our lives will turn out and how we will "take care of business" when we are young. It all looks so simple and we can't understand why the adults around us are so darn stubborn.

News flash, we aren't stubborn we are seasoned. Over time we have lived and learned and been faced with our own situations where suddenly that black and white blurred into gray. We have had our hearts broken not just by our lovers but by so many other things in life.

We are the living , breathing equivalent of Google. If you ask us and really listen we can teach you what we know based on what we have learned, most likely the hard way.

There is a part of me that misses the old black and white me. I wish life was that simple and that everything had a definite answer. Truth is, it isn't. It is hard and messy and by the time you turn 30 you will have reevaluated everything you believed when you graduated high school.

So my advice is to seek advice, listen, learn, be informed and follow your heart. Enjoy your black and white because much like your hair the gray will come soon enough.

Cruise Wear Crisis

2012-01-19T11:10:00.000-08:00

Several months ago I scheduled a cruise to the South Caribbean. At the time my mind was filled with visions of being a few sizes smaller and having muscular toned arms. I could just see myself on the beach looking amazing in a big hat with a sexy bathing suit and an umbrella drink. That is what the magic of the cruise website does for you.

Fast forward to one month before the trip after a few too many Christmas cookies. The only vision I have is the one in my dreams where the Slim Fast can keeps chasing me up and down the beach. My arms flapping in the wind as I try to run away.

I don't know why I thought I was going to make such a life altering transformation over the holidays. I am a sucker for a Christmas cookie and allergic to the treadmill. Not a great combination.

The body I have is more conducive to a cold climate where the turtleneck and long pants are the staples of your wardrobe. My physique screams out for a cardigan and a scarf.

Shape aside I have skin that you can see my vascular system through and I don't tan very well. Doesn't that sound lovely? I have no fear of being featured in the next Carnival cruise video.

But the good news is I am 46 and I have come to the conclusion that this is the body I have and I am not going to let my flabby arms and pasty skin interfere with my ability to have a good time. I will find a cute cover up and layer the sunscreen and hope that everyone around me is drinking ....heavily. Cheers!

Y'all Don't Be Mean To Paula Deen

2012-01-18T20:28:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how hateful and awful y'all are being to poor Paula Deen about her diabetes, or as we call it in the South, sugar.

Folks are saying she deserved it for eating all that fattening food. Someone even accused her of being happy about her diabetes medication endorsement. They make it sound like she sat around munching on a stick of fried butter until her pancreas became overworked, then start singing "We're in the money!"

Nobody wants to be diabetic. It is not a fun disease. To make fun of my sweet Paula for announcing that she has it is just plain wrong.

Instead we should be applauding her for taking time to get educated before she announced it to the public. She is taking steps to get healthier. Her health is really none of our darn business so the fact that she made it public and is campaigning to educate is above and beyond what she should have to do.

I know I wouldn't want all my health information to become public. I got upset when they started putting my weight on my prescriptions. Heck, why bother to wear Lycra under your clothes when the pharmacist knows exactly how much I really weigh?

Give my Miss Paula a break.

Flying Is For The Birds

2012-01-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

I hate to fly.

It isn't that I am afraid to fly it is just that I am not a good air traveler.

When I fly it involves Dramamine, decongestants,special ear plugs and a great deal of patience on the part of my traveling companion. It just irks me to spend that much money on something that 99% of the time makes me want to scream, either in pain or frustration.

Things I hate about flying:

I hate that my ears pop and I can't hear for several hours after landing.

I hate the feeling that I am going to throw up.

I hate being in the back of the plane and waiting for the dingbat lady in the third row to put on her coat and take her sweet time exiting.

I hate the little tiny seats and the people that sit in front of me that feel compelled to recline their seat into my knees.

I hate that I have to even think about the fact that my seat can be used as a flotation device and that I may at some point need an oxygen mask.

I hate take offs.

I hate landing.

I hate that while you are still attempting to drink your two ounces of diet coke you were just served by one flight attendant that another flight attendant comes by and tries to get you to throw it away.

You see I am not one of those people that is afraid to die on an airplane. I am one of those people that by the end of the hour long flight is thinking death might be less painful and would get me off the plane faster.

Give me a diet coke, a book on tape and the open road any day of the week.

Bungee Jumping

2012-01-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

I have never quite understood the allure of bungee jumping. I am not sure what it would take to convince me to plunge upside down by a rubber band type apparatus tied to one of my legs but I am pretty sure it would involve a insane amount of money and Ryan Gosling naked at the end waiting for my return. That scenario would only work if I had downed a couple of glasses of wine.

Recently a young girl tried the bungee experience to find that the rubber band things do in fact snap (which is my big fear) and you will in fact plunge to the earth at a very high speed. Oh, and also she was jumping over shark infested waters. If there was ever a time for the acronym WTF it would have been then.

But as usual when I read these stories, I need more information.

First, is she employed with her own insurance policy or still on her parents policy? If she is still on her parents policy she gave no mind to the deductible that would need to be paid if this all went badly, as it did. Was she on vacation? Did she have her insurance card with her? Was her companion capable of making medical decisions? Did she even think about her poor mother getting the "oops, your daughter fell into the shark infested water" call as she was making dinner?

Second, did she know the water below was swarming with sharks? If she did then I say again WTF! Who does that? Who has that much confidence in her karma that she is sure nothing is going to go wrong? I would be thinking of every mean thing I had ever said and the time I parked in a handicapped spot for just a moment to run into Target to get a Starbucks. That would have been enough to cause me to rethink my decision as they tied me to the rubber band and pushed me. That might not have pushed her but let me tell you they would have had to push me!

Maybe I am just an old fuddy duddy but the most daring thing I have done lately was to leave the house without jewelry to navigate the shark infected waters of the PTA. I am officially old.

I Was Once Young...Wish You Had Known Me Then

2012-01-07T09:06:00.000-08:00

To my children:

I wish you could have known me when I was young. I think you would have liked me. Maybe you wouldn't have rolled your eyes at me so often and thought I was weird.

I used to have energy. I could stay out all night and go to work the next day. I would have never been caught dead in bed before eleven p.m. Pajamas weren't my main wardrobe choice.

The young me could remember people's names and their phone numbers. I remembered their birthdays and sent out cards. Post it notes were not a staple in my life needed to remember the most ordinary details.

The face you see each morning used to be free of wrinkles. I had a neck to match it. It was just as nice with or without makeup.

My body wasn't creaking when I walked up and down the stairs and my stomach was flat. My bra only had one hook instead of the three needed now to defy gravity.

I wore high heeled shoes and danced in them all night.

I was carefree and thought nothing about going out at 3 a.m. to do my laundry in the deserted laundromat. I didn't worry about anything happening to anyone most of all myself.

I was smart. I knew things without having to spend ten minutes trying to figure out what I was trying to remember to tell you. People thought I was funny and liked to hang out with me. I know that is a shocker.

If you had only know me then, I think you would have liked me. Sorry you got stuck with the middle aged me.

Body Pillow Breakup

2012-01-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

I had a one night stand with my body pillow and now I am going to have to end our relationship. I am really not that kind of girl but it has to be done.

Like most things I spent way too much time obsessing about whether or not I wanted a body pillow. I think nothing of dropping hundreds of dollars on my kids or on Christmas ornaments but something just for me that cost a whopping ten dollars was a different story. There was also the space issue and the fact that it needed a special pillow case.

Last week I happened upon one on sale and decided to take the plunge. The fact that I have spent so much time thinking about a pillow is further proof that I need to seriously consider getting a life. That is however a topic for another blog.

At bedtime I settled in with my new pillow complete with a soft microfiber cover and thought for sure I had made the right decision. One leg over the pillow and I was sleeping like a baby with my spinal column perfectly aligned. I didn't however take into consideration how many times a night I roll over or that my 30 pound beagle would be laying right beside me.

I spent most of the night trying to preposition the body pillow from side to side and around the dog. Every time I moved the pillow the dog would sigh and give me a dirty look. I would have gotten more rest if I had slept with a drunk monkey.

By morning I was exhausted from wrestling with my new pillow. No matter how cute and soft it was I knew I wasn't going to be able to commit to sleeping with it every night.

I must confess that I haven't been that disappointed in quite some time. Of course one of my children has already claimed it. For all you people that think my kids have everything, you were wrong. All they were missing was a body pillow.

Hallmark Ornament Addiction

2012-01-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

I really need 24 hour supervision this time of year. I have just been informed that my status as a Hallmark preferred customer has been upgraded to Platinum, which is a pretty way to say I have spent a boat load of money in that store.

First of all I am a sucker for any sign that says CLEARANCE. Couple that with shiny Christmas items and you have a cart full of magic. Unfortunately the cart full of magic has to be stored in my basement 11 months a year.

You all know how I love anything sparkly, right? Well this is my season. Everything is sparkly and shiny and made to glitter and impress. I just can't resist shiny and clearance. I just can't.

Last year after I went on a rampage in the Hallmark Store I instructed my daughter to grab me by the shoulders and shake me hard if I tried to purchase another ornament.

I took care of that by not taking her shopping with me this year. Instead I took my boyfriend who being new to this relationship likes to say "You buy whatever makes you happy baby" which is like taking an alcoholic to a wine tasting. Sure it will start out fun but will end with someone over indulging.

I can't help myself. I envision my children opening these ornament boxes years after I am gone and having full color flashbacks of all the wonderful times we spent together. Generations will marvel at what an amazing woman Grandmother Kim must have been to pass along these heirloom ornaments.

All right, maybe I am over rationalizing my shiny addiction just a tad. I was going to do the whole " first step" thing and admit I had a problem, but then I realized step two would more than likely be to abstain from purchasing shiny things.

No need to take the first step if I can't take the second one so it's off to Hallmark I go. There's always next year.

Love The Magic, Not The Mess

2011-12-29T14:07:00.000-08:00

The stocking still hung by the chimney with care, even though St. Nick had all ready been there.

Why hasn't anyone ever written a poem about the after Christmas chaos? Where are the carols to motivate me to put away all the glittery ornaments?

Every year I vow to put away everything in an organized fashion complete with photos of all the magic I have created. I will put labels on the garland so that I don't have to play the guessing game of which bunch goes on which banister. The Christmas cards and all the items I will need to start the holiday will be in a separate tote labeled "Open at Thanksgiving". Doesn't that sound all HGTV?

Unfortunately, my packing looks more like an episode of Hoarders. I end up tossing all the glitter into totes as quickly as possible. The Christmas cards are placed in a tote that won't be opened until it is too late to use them. You can be certain that next year the garlands will be just as much of a mystery as they were this year.

I have come to the conclusion that I am much better at making the magic than I am at keeping it organized.

Christmas Wrapping Memo

2011-12-24T05:14:00.000-08:00

Date: December 24, 2011

To: All Those Receiving Gifts From Me

From: Me

In accordance with the busy holiday season, I attempted to begin my shopping and wrapping quite early this year. I was scouring the stores in October and was quite successful in finding something great for everyone.

Wrapping, however, is another matter.

If I purchased your gift and wrapped it in October, be ready to be impressed. You will find color coordinated paper and bows adorned with festive neatly written tags. Just looking at it will bring a warm festive feeling to your heart. Upon opening the gift you will find beautiful tissue paper cradling your surprise.

If your gift was was purchased and wrapped in November, you may need to be just a tad more tolerant. Instead of the warm festive feeling, you may get the feeling I was wrapping while under the influence. I attempted to coordinate and dazzle you but by that time some of the paper had gotten crinkled in the closet and all the really cute bows were gone. You know how you buy the package of 50 bows and only about 20 of them are really awesome? You didn't happen to get the really awesome ones. Also, there will most likely be no tissue paper but you will have a nice new white box. The tissue paper obviously got into a fight with the wrapping paper as they both exited the closet looking a little haggard.

If I purchased your gift this week , I am truly sorry. By the wrapping you will probably assume that your gift was purchased where they also sell fuel. You will most likely be receiving a gift bag that may or may not have a previous years tag half torn off. Chances are the tissue paper does not match the bag in any way and is just there to hide the present, not to impress. If your present is wrapped in a box please don't be alarmed when you rip off the crinkled paper. You did not receive a 54 pack of granola bars or Skin ID acne treatment. They were the only boxes left in the house and on the 23rd of December you get what you get.

I know it isn't the gift but the thought that counts but I envision myself every year with a plethora of gifts all matching and amazing. I guess you can't have it all, especially if you want it gift wrapped.

Norman Rockwell Sucks

2011-12-22T20:10:00.000-08:00

This time of year the number one thing on my list of things to do is to get an assistant. Not that I in any way professionally need one but personally I need a small staff.

If I just had someone I could hand a list to and say "Be a doll and get these things done for me."

Sure I have teenagers around the house but I need someone who doesn't know I will love them no matter what and is depending on a paycheck. Someone who is goal oriented and can't use the term "I forgot...".

It always seems like on December 23rd that if I had just one more day I could get it all done. Just 24 measly hours and I could pull the Norman Rockwell Christmas out of my butt.

All the gifts would be wrapped with shiny bows instead of thrown in gift bags.

The Christmas dinner would be organized and shopped for with the appropriate serving dishes awaiting them. I would label each dish with a little post it note so I would know just where my yummy homemade tradition building creations would go.

All the camera batteries would be charged and with all my time freed up from having an assistant I would have time to read the owners manual and I would actually know how to use them.

I would have a stunning outfit picked out to descend the stairs in on Christmas morning. After all I would want to look great for the professional like footage of the perfect Christmas I was about to shoot. Of course I would need a crisp ironed apron to wear as I put all the homemade pies in the oven to bake during the festivities.

Oh, if only these things had a snowballs chance in hell of happening. If only I wouldn't end up in sweats, making jiffy cornbread and cursing under my breath. One thing I can guarantee is that our Christmas won't be anything good ole Norman Rockwell would want to preserve forever. But it will be ours, filled with love and laughter and a great deal of self ridicule on my part.

After all the kids have to have something to complain about in therapy, don't they?

My Angels

2011-12-18T22:47:00.000-08:00

A very dear friend of mine is losing her dad to cancer. Unfortunately, for me this is a scenario that is very familiar and still very fresh in my memory.

I have wracked my brain trying to think of a way to make it somehow a little easier. But it didn't take me long to realize that there really is nothing I can do except be there if she needs me and try to meet her needs before she knows she has them.

When my dad died three years ago I was a complete and total wreck. For someone that prides herself on always being together and somewhat in control I was in uncharted territory. I was in such a state of sheer and utter grief that I could barely function. In a mere thirteen days I had gone from hearing the diagnosis to picking out a casket. The pain was so great that I was sure my heart would just stop at any moment.

Then my angel like friends stepped in and took over. One friend came and stayed with me in my hotel room and organized what had become my life over the last few weeks. She gathered clothes, packed my suitcase for the trip to Tennessee and was just there.

Another friend drove all the way down to Indiana and did my laundry in a small hotel laundry room. It turns out that you still need clean underwear no matter how grief stricken you are.

In the months that followed, another dear friend called me every single day. There were days that I was so involved in my grief that I couldn't answer the phone but she would leave a message. As time passed I could muster up the courage to answer and just hearing her say "Hey, just wanted to make sure you were o.k." would give me the boost to get out of bed.

At the funeral a friend from high school brought a St. Christopher medal that my dad had given her for graduation. He had apparently told her that if she was going to continue hanging out with me she was going to need it. Standing by the casket she placed it around my daughter's neck and that is where it has been for the last three years.

Another friend from high school showed up and stood beside be as we buried my dad. The love of her and her family sustained me through my grief and through my divorce that followed.

Last but not least, there were all the wonderful people that came to the two funerals. I will never forget all of them showing up and sharing stories about what a great man my dad was. Never, ever underestimate the impact of showing up to acknowledge someone's life.

So tonight as I was feeling utterly helpless, I realized that there are ways to help. Each one of my friends stepped in and just met the need I had. Sometimes just knowing that you are loved and that you are not alone in your pain can be life saving. I know it was for me.

So from one daddy's girl to another, I will be there for Sonya. Somehow I will find a way to make all this just a little bit easier.

Lindsay Lohan Needs To Be Slapped....HARD!

2011-12-17T06:48:00.000-08:00

My Uncle Buddy used to always start his unsolicitied parenting advice with the phrase " if that was a kid of mine..." and would follow it with his words of wisdom. Well to borrow a phrase from Uncle Buddy, "If Lindasy Lohan was a kid of mine, I would beat her with a flip flop!" One of those hard ones from the Dollar Store that doesn't bend very well. While I was doing it I would ask her if she had lost "her ever loving mind?".

Every time I think she can't surprise me, she does something else stupid.

First, she posed nude in Playboy magazine. All right, that was really stupid on the Playboy organizations side. Why would anyone need to pay to see Lindsay' vajayjay when she has been showing it off for years for free.

Secondly, she claims her purse was stolen and it had 10,000 dollars cash in it. Who in their right mind carries around that much cash, unless they are a drug dealer. I am going to need to see the ATM receipt on that one to prove she had that much money. I don't think she could even count out that much money. More than likely she had ten dollars and just got confused.

Third, after getting paid a cool million dollars to show off her vajayjay she can't be bothered to get her skinny butt out of bed and get on an airplane to do the one interview that was scheduled to promote it. Who blows off Ellen DeGeneres? Apparently the vajayjay showing cash carrying Linday Lohan does.

The best thing that could happen to Lindsay is for her to spend a month or two with Madea! Tyler Perry where are you when we need you?

MOJO Is Killing Me!

2011-12-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

Every morning on the way to school my son and I listen to the MOJO in the Morning Show. It's a tradition in my family. Ashley and I listened to it while driving to school and now it's Michael's turn.

Usually it is a very funny and entertaining show but this month they are surprising needy families with a Christmas celebration and by 7:15 every day I am completely "tore down" and sobbing.

I get up every day to a beautiful home and kids who have everything they want not just what they need. I am very blessed.

The families on this program are not quite so blessed. When I hear about the single mom with cancer that just found out she has no hope for recovery or the single mom that is raising her three kids and four other kids she has adopted with windows missing in her home it breaks my heart.

There is so much need in our city and all around the country. We are all so busy worrying about our own lives and drama that we don't stop to think how blessed we are.

We spend more time judging the presidential candidates on whether or not they are good husbands than on whether or not they can make the much needed changes in our country.

We are all so worried about finding the "wow" Christmas gift for our kids that we don't stop to think that there are kids out there without coats or food. These children aren't in Haiti but right here in our community.

Please this holiday season, take a moment and a few dollars and donate to the charity of your choice. Make a difference in the lives of someone you don't know. None of us know when we will be the next person needing help. Reach out and skip a few of those gifts your kids don't need and bless someone you will never meet.

Happy Holidays!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

2011-12-09T21:59:00.001-08:00

Ever say something and wish you hadn't? Even wanted to the floor to open so you could crawl inside? Well it happened to me today at work.

I was sitting in the rehab gym with a patient when a very handsome younger man walked by. He was dressed professionally and had a badge on so I assumed he was a new therapist that had come to help us out with our heavy caseload.

I turned to my friend that was sitting beside me and said "My goodness, he's was hot. I won't mind looking at him all day at work. Who is he?"

She turned to me and said "That is my sixteen year old son. He is volunteering here."

Open floor , insert Kim.

Luckily for me she was laughing when she said it and she agreed that he looks MUCH older than sixteen. She also agreed that he is a very handsome young man.

When will I learn to not share every thought I have? Probably never. My old pastor would tell me I just say what everyone else is thinking. But I think that was just his way of making me feel better about what ever crazy thing I had said that day.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. I will either redeem myself or stick my foot in my mouth. Given my track record I would say put your money on the latter.

Designated Driver Confusion

2011-12-07T20:05:00.001-08:00

Recently the former Miss USA Rima Fakih was arrested for driving under the influence.

She was allegedly speeding and weaving through traffic with an uncorked, half-empty bottle of champagne and a blood-alcohol level more than twice the legal limit when she was arrested in the Detroit. When the story first broke she has stated that she was driving her friend home because her friend was too drunk to drive and then realized that she herself was too intoxicated to operate a vehicle.

When I first heard this I was concerned. Had they changed the definition of designated driver? Just to be sure I looked it up and sure enough the definition is exactly the same.

The terms "designated driver" and "designated driving" refer to selecting a person to remain sober, as the driver of a vehicle, while others are allowed to drink to excess (with alcoholic beverages). A designated driver is a person who abstains from alcohol on a social occasion in order to drive his/her companions home safely. It is intended as a safe alternative to driving under the influence.

You see Rima before you go out for the evening you are supposed to decide whom among you will remain sober and be the designated driver. The designated driver is not the person that is the least drunk when the bartender yells "last call".

OMG Mom! Do You Have Cancer?

2011-12-06T04:39:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I became overwhelmed with love and pride for my daughter Ashley. As a result of my flurry of warm and fuzzy emotions, I thought I would take the opportunity to write her a note. This is her first year away from home and I haven't written her any mushy, gushy letters because I wanted her to believe I was surviving just fine without my best friend and partner in crime. Truth be told, she is flourishing and at times I am the one that is floundering trying to adjust to how my life works without her in it every day.

However, after a very scary moment over the weekend when I thought she might be moving to Florida for a semester it became too much for me. I sat down and poured my heart out to her about how proud I am of her and how I can't wait to watch the rest of her life unfold and to hold my grandchildren one day. Okay, maybe there was a little PMS involved in the writing of this note but it was very sincere.

I hit the send button and a few minutes later my phone rang.

Hello?

OMG Mom , do you have cancer?

Cancer? no why would you ask me that?

Because I just got your note and it sounded all "I don't have long to live" and stuff.

No, baby I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you and I was missing you so I thought I would write you a note.

O.K., but are you sure you aren't terminally ill?

Yes, I am quite sure darling.

O.K. then I gotta go I'll call you later, CLICK.

That was it. If I didn't have cancer , she was too busy to talk.

That is why I write mushy notes. It is because at one time in her life she was never busy with anything that didn't in some way allow me to be involved. If she was in a play , I was working on costumes. If she was attending prom , I was hosting the before and after party. When there was drama with friends, I got to hear about it during one of our late talks after she returned home from a night out. I never had to wonder if she was o.k., I just had to walk down the hall and check for myself.

So in a small way I guess a part of me is terminal. The full time, in your face, know every detail of your life mom part of me is dying a slow death. But for as long as I have breath in my body, my role as her best friend and biggest fan will live on.

Automated Answer Man Why Do You Torture Me?

2011-12-04T17:44:00.001-08:00

This week I have to call the cable company. I would rather have a root canal.

First I know I am going to get that annoyingly friendly sounding automated man. He sounds very cheerful which surprises me because I am quite certain I am not the only one that loses her mind when she talks to him. He makes you believe in the beginning that you might actually be able to perform this transaction without having a coronary. His soothing voice lulls you into thinking this time you will speak calmly and clearly and the two of you will end on a happy note.

I always start out with a focused and determined attitude and end up screaming "CABLE SERVICE" into the speaker of my phone while the veins on the side of my neck bulge out and I break out in a cold sweat. No matter what I say or how loudly I say it I just can't make automated man understand me. The only thing I can figure out is that automated man must be completely deaf.

He may be deaf but he is no quitter. I know this because no matter how hard I try to get to a "live" operator, he keeps saying "Let's try again". I only know one way to say "CABLE SERVICE" but he's not giving up. Apparently, the automated system won't transfer you until they hear pure hysteria in your voice. I envision all the operators standing around chanting "Push her till she cracks! Push her till she cracks!"

They could save a great deal of time if one of the many choices would be transfer me to the Suicide Hotline. I would push that button just to hear a live voice and get a little sympathy for the line scrolling through my new television set.

I miss the days when you called a company and a live person answered the phone and asked how they could help you. I miss the guarantee that the person on the end of the line would be English speaking and located within the United States. I long for the days when you got an actual appointment time and not a "window" that precludes you from doing anything else your scheduled day.

So if I end up "the crazy lady" being shown on a clip on MSNBC you will know that automated man finally got the best of me and I snapped. I just hope they use a good picture of me when they flash it across the screen.

iPhone Follies

2011-12-02T07:14:00.001-08:00

I would like to apologize to all the friends and family I have sent a text to that is completely unreadable.

I love my new iPhone but if I don't have my glasses on sometimes my brain just fills in the blanks of what it thinks the words should be and then I text you back with words that it has auto corrected and it causes many of you to worry.

My daughter text me the other day and ask me if I was having a stroke. Apparently, my reply was so incomprehensible that she was sure the blood flow had been cut off to one or both sides of my brain.

I will try to do better. I will make an attempt to wear my glasses more often and to not reply based on a guess about what your text says. I have a plethora of reading glasses and I am forcing my self to leave them in whatever room I am in when I turn out the light to leave. It doesn't do me any good to have them all end up on my kitchen counter when it is quite apparent that I need them in every room of my home just in case.

So if you receive a random text from me that doesn't make any sense, be patient. Make it a game where you try to guess what I was trying to say, like on Wheel of Fortune. Think of it as a free game app.

I am just a middle aged lady trying to be hip with my new iPhone. Bear with me!

We Don't Have A Magic Sink

2011-11-28T19:28:00.001-08:00

Along with the laundry elf and the self propelling vacuum cleaner, my children must also think we have a magic sink.

I say this because they randomly dump bowls of cereal, half empty ice cream cartons and anything else they don't want to finish into the sink and walk away.

I can only assume that they think that when their backs are turned the water and the garbage disposal magically turn on and dispose of their food particles.

This morning I awakened to a half of bowl of Captain Crunch and a half a carton of chocolate ice cream that had melted and merged together in such a way that I thought the dog had climbed up on the counter and gotten sick. All the goo was draped over various dishes and my dish washing wand. The temperature of the water needed to combat this mess could have very likely resulted in my admission to the Burn Unit at U of M.

The really scary part is that the Captain Crunch is almost indestructible. I am reluctant to buy it for the kids because I don't think it is safe for their digestive tract. Even the garbage disposal snarled and sputtered when it tried to deal with the Crunch clump as I know call it.

So Eller children , just a little FYI. The next time I encounter one of your creations, I may just scoop it up in a ziploc bag and wrap it up for Christmas.

I Am Not Thankful For,,,

2011-11-24T05:37:00.001-08:00

Every year we all do a "what we are thankful for " list . This year I thought I would put a different spin on it and list a few things that I am not thankful for, just for fun.

I am not thankful:

1. That I have to continue to see the Kardashian sisters everywhere.

2. That I now have more hair on my upper lip than my teenage son.

3. That I can no longer remember people's names, where I put important papers or how to change the clock in my van.

4. That technology is leaving me behind and that my phone now requires me to take a class to use it.

5. That my bitty baby is driving and will soon be leaving me behind...literally.

6. That at my age when I wear high heels it requires a two day ibuprofen follow up for all the aches and pain.

7. That everything printed in less than a one inch high font is unreadable to me and no matter how many pairs of readers I buy there is never a pair close when I need them.

8. That I have to worry about things like fiber and cholesterol and my "colon health". UGH!

9. That my doctor starts every third sentence during my physical with the words "for a woman your age". I have threatened to withhold payment if he continues using that phrase.

10. That the 80's clothes that I wore are now referred to as "vintage".

Just a few things that although I have lots to be thankful for I could do without.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!

Be Careful What You Wish For....

2011-11-22T04:18:00.001-08:00

Last night I went to say good night to my son Michael and he was in bed sleeping. While I was glad he was in bed at a reasonable hour I was also a little sad that we didn't say good night to each other. My mind flashed back to all the bedtime talks and tucking him in with his little blue and white checked blanket. I was more than a little sad.

When I broached the subject this morning I commented that I missed hanging out with him and watching t.v.. His response was "Mom, you spent my whole childhood telling me to stop following you around everywhere..".

Ouch! He was right. Maybe not his entire childhood but I do remember saying that with 4000 square feet I didn't understand why we were always in the same room. In my defense, those were also the days when I couldn't go to the bathroom by myself without Michael standing outside the door talking to me about he latest Family Guy episode. I remember dreaming about watching an entire television program alone or having a telephone conversation uninterrupted. I longed for the day when my husband would travel and both kids wouldn't be in the bed with me. Apparently, at that time in my life my fantasy was to be in bed alone, on the phone, watching television. Sad, but true.

Well, those days are here and while I do enjoy the uninterrupted bathroom time, I miss my baby boy. We made a deal ( I made the demand and he agreed because it was 6:30 in the morning) that we would come in and say goodnight to each other every night.

If all my wishes for a few quiet moments have come true, why do I have this big empty feeling in my heart?

Expert Parenting With No Kids

2011-11-19T11:22:00.001-08:00

Ten years ago I received one of the greatest gifts imaginable. My brother and his wife finally had a child.

Being ahead of him in the kids department, I had an eight year old and a four year old. I was the one with the kids and he suddenly had all the answers. He was an expert on what I should be doing and how I should be raising my children. From making them finish their dinner to department store meltdowns he knew it all. How lucky was I?

"If that was my kid..." was his favorite quote. It was astonishing how much he knew about parenting considering he did not have a child of his own.

When my dad found out my brother was going to be a dad he called me and said "You don't need anything for Christmas this year because I have the perfect gift for you. Your brother is having a baby." He knew that once the baby arrived that all the heat I was taking from my brother would dissolve as he tried to manage the demands of parenthood.

I wish I could say I took the high road and didn't say I told you so, but I can't. I took every opportunity I could to give him "advice" and point out how I thought he should do it. I am ashamed to say that I took great joy in watching him struggle with all the chaos of parenting and even said "if that was my kid" a few times.

Over the years Tony and I have both grown older and wiser and my beautiful niece Taylor just turned ten. We have bonded over the fact that as parents we freely admit that we have no idea what we are doing. Like most parents we are just winging it and doing the best we can while trying to maintain a shred of sanity. But we are doing it together and knowing that we have each other is priceless.

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

2011-11-17T18:53:00.001-08:00

Last night my daughter Ashley decided to come home a day early and surprise me. It was a great surprise and I was very happy to see her. The only problem was that several of her Christmas presents were out on the kitchen counter. Oops!

Now I know the surprise element is not as important now that Santa is out of the picture but I am a person who as I have stated before really loves gift giving. I like to find gifts that are meaningful and that make an impact. I think long and hard and try to make each gift special.

This makes my friend Tara crazy. She says that anyone who marries one of my kids is going to find it impossible to live up to my constant "making their life wonderful" mentality. I say they (especially Michael) just have to find someone like their mother to marry and there won't be any problems. Sounded reasonable to me but I am quite sure I heard Tara gagging on the other end of the line. That's what happens when a Pollyanna and a realistic become best friends.

So now I am off to find a few other amazing gifts to wow Ashley with and you can be sure I will be hiding them as soon as they are purchased.

Friends

2011-11-15T19:47:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving is fast approaching and everyone on Facebook has been stating what they are thankful for. I have so many blessing in my life that I thought I would just pick one today and blog about it.

I am so thankful for my many amazing friends. I have been fortunate to live in lots of different places over the years and have acquired many wonderful friends. I don't always get to talk with them often but we keep in touch and I will always remember the ways in which they touched my life during out time together. I can always count on them to call or write at just the right time as if they know just when I need them.

Then I have my best friends. These are the ladies that I talk to every day , sometimes several times a day. They have held my hand through the sorrow of losing my dad and getting divorced. They have cheered me on and encouraged me to write. We have laughed together , cried together and plotted revenge together. They are the glue that holds my life together and the ones I know I can call anytime day or night and they would be there diet coke in hand to help me face whatever I needed to face.

I am truly blessed. True friends are hard to come by and I have been given some of the best.

So to all my friends out there, near or far, I love you and I am glad our paths crossed. Thank you for being a part of Kim's Crazy Life.

Home Office Organization

2011-11-11T05:19:00.001-08:00

Today I will attempt with the help of a very patient (I hope) man to organize my home office. I did all the fun stuff like purchasing new furniture and accessories, now comes the part that makes me crazy. I am not tech savvy. I can almost never get my computer printer to work correctly and heaven help me if the actual computer needs any maintenance.

I consider myself to be of average intelligence but for some reason all the computer stuff drives me crazy. There always seems to be one little step that I miss and my only problem solving skill is to keep hitting the same button and cursing under my breath. I guess that really isn't a problem solving skill since it rarely solves the problem.

So as I venture into the world of computers and printers and wireless internet, y'all pray for me. If I never blog again you can assume it didn't go well.

Thrifty Decor Chick Addiction

2011-11-09T20:15:00.001-08:00

I have become addicted to a blog called Thrifty Decor Chick. It is chocked full of lots of "I found this for a dollar and turned it into a gorgeous piece of furniture" type stuff. I can't stop reading it or collecting things that I am sure I will turn into a family heirloom.

For example, she made a table for her outdoor living space (formerly known as your backyard) out of a wooden pallet. It looks amazing and I am certain I too could make this masterpiece happen in my own outdoor living space.

For me this website is as dangerous as going to Home Depot. Every time I am in that store I am convinced I can put in my own closets, build a deck or make something fabulous out of all that wood. I mean that make it look so easy on the five minute video that they have playing in the front of the store.

So I am off to conquer all the "just needs a little work" items that I have accumulated. Wish me luck.

Check out www.thriftydecorchick.com!

Nike

2011-11-06T19:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Nike,

Thank you for making the life of this weary mom a little more difficult by distinguishing your new socks by putting a R and an L on them.

You see, the bane of every moms existence is the basket of unmatched socks. There is one in every household and no matter how hard we try there always seems to be socks that are missing. We do the best we can. We hold onto socks well after our kids have outgrown them in hopes that one day we can reunite the pair and fell somewhat triumphant. Every mother knows that the minute we throw out a perfectly good sock, the other one will appear.

Thanks to your newest sock, we not only have to worry that the socks are the same color and size but that we have the right and left one. Seriously? You felt the need to make a right and left sock? Do you sit up late at night and contemplate ways to drive the average American woman crazy? Do you take satisfaction in knowing that somewhere there is a woman with a martini in one hand and two left socks in the other?

You tell us to "just do it" and then you make it so darn hard.

Sincerely disgusted and mismatched,

Kim Eller

Spoiled Or Well Taken Care Of....

2011-11-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

It is the consensus of those around me that there is a chance that my children might be just a tad spoiled. O.K. the consensus is that they are totally spoiled.

I don't like to think of them as spoiled, I prefer to think of them as very well taken care of. When you live on Denial Street that is how you phrase things.

The funny thing is that anyone will tell you that I have great kids. They are smart, funny, courteous and well liked. They look adults in the eye when they speak to them and they think of other people. What more could I ask for in teenagers? Well aside from cleaning and cooking, which even though I live on Denial Street I know will never happen.

I like to make my kids happy. I like to make everyone I care about happy. Heck, I like to make strangers at the grocery store happy. If midnight slurpee runs and breakfast in bed makes them happy then I am going to do it. Impromptu sleepovers? No problem. And you know why? Because doing for the people I love makes me happy. Nothing brings me more joy than to be able to do something for someone that brings them joy.

Yesterday, I went shopping for a new phone. Mine is currently being held together by a screensaver. It has been that way for several months and the crack(s) were making it difficult for me to read texts. While shopping for an iPhone Michael was showing me all the things that the iPhone S can do. He asked the phone if he needed to wear a coat in Commerce Michigan tomorrow. I don't need the phone for that, because I can watch the weather and figure that out on my own. After I rolled my eyes at several more questions, I realized that I was going to spend the next two years disappointing my son with my under utilization of the new phone.

It was all very amazing but considering I am just learning how to download pictures to Facebook I knew all the voice commands and high tech stuff would be lost on me. So I upgraded to the new phone, gave it to Michael and took his iPhone 4. Why? Because it made him happy and I truly did not care. His old phone will be way too much for me to master. He was happy and I was happy. It was a win/win.

So that is how I spoil my kids. I do what makes them happy because I usually don't care either way. So for all you people that tell me I am too nice I promise if I ever change my ways I will stop being nice to you first. Deal?

Cupid Hits The Target Bulls Eye

2011-11-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

For the past few months I have been dating a wonderful man. He is smart , funny, handsome, loves his kids and his family and we have so much in common that it is scary.

Our relationship has been going great and it just seems to keep getting better. Just when I thought that I couldn't be more crazy about him he surprised me with those wonderful words every woman loves to hear.

We were standing in Target shopping for a new DVD player. Those are the kind of exciting things we do on the weekend. Suddenly he turned to me and said "I love to shop the Target clearance end caps." My heart skipped a beat and I turned to him to see if he was sincere or if he was toying with my emotions. In his eyes I saw sincerity and in my future I saw us strolling together through the Target aisles giddy in love.

Who knew the Target bulls eye logo would be where Cupid would shoot his arrow through my heart.

Kim Kardashian The Quitter

2011-11-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

I am appalled that after 10 weeks of marriage that Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce. Give me a break! I could stay married to just about anyone longer than that.

How do you have irreconcilable differences after such a short amount of time? Did she try to reconcile any of those differences or was she just too busy cashing all the checks from selling the rights to her wedding and the photos? Either this whole marriage was a fraud from the beginning for publicity or she is the most shallow self centered person on the planet.

I would be embarrassed to call it quits after such a short amount of time. I would have at least tried to stick it out a year or two and try to make it work. What went so drastically wrong in the few weeks of marriage that wasn't wrong before the marriage?

I say if the marriage is over she and Kris should have to donate the 19 million dollars they made selling the rights to their sham nuptials to a charity. I bet that would have her kissing and reconciling those differences in a hurry.

Halloween

2011-10-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

My son and I have been having a discussion on what age is too old to be trick or treating. I have a few suggestions for him.

If you are able to legally drive around the neighborhood, you should probably stop walking around asking for candy.

If you are taller than most of the parents in the neighborhood, time to stay home.

If you have a full beard, time to let go.

If you are old enough to be in a relationship (aka Facebook Official) on Facebook you should probably stay home and pass out candy with your significant other.

These aren't hard and fast rules, just some suggestions.

Too Tired for School

2011-10-26T18:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight I made a trip to Eastern Michigan University with my friend Jennifer. She is contemplating going back to school to get her teaching certification. I am really excited for her and really proud of her motivation to make a change. Go Jennifer!

With that said, there is no way I could go back to school at my age. It's not that I am too old to learn or acquire new skills, it is that I am just too darn tired.

Just the thought of having to lug a backpack full of books and supplies around campus is enough to send me back to bed for the day. Not to mention that there is no where to pack and they would more than likely expect me to attend class when it is raining or snowing. Maybe if they offered a special parking spot for those of us over forty I would consider it, but I would have to see the map.

There would be homework and finals and all that stuff that I hated the first time around but without the cute fraternity guys. Let's face it, college is only really fun when the education part comes in a close second to the social life part. Without the parties, late nights and all night bonding sessions it would just be well sort of like a job.

So no thank you very much. I will just keep my backpack hidden in the front closet and the only long walks I will take is if the valet parking lot at the mall is full.

The Lion King VS The Lion's Game

2011-10-25T19:19:00.001-07:00

For a few minutes this weekend I thought I had my little boy back. When I asked him what he was doing he said "watching the Lion King" or so I thought. I was so excited! I love the Lion King and I could just see us snuggled up watching it together.

I prepared a lunch and carried it downstairs ready to spend some time with my son and see Simba and the gang.

As I descended the stairs to the basement I was in for a big surprise. There was no Lion King with happy music and quirky characters, just the Lions game. Big difference.

I said " I thought you were watching the Lion King?" and he looked at me like I had three heads.Had I wanted to spend time with him so badly that I was hearing things?

That is when I realized that my bitty baby wasn't coming back. There would be no more Disney snuggle fests. He was fast becoming a grown up guy and Sunday afternoons were going to be about sports and not movies with mom.

I stayed down stairs and watched the Lions and had lunch. He looked at basketball shoes online and when he picked out a pair I promptly pulled out my credit card and purchased them. We might not have Simba but we would always have shopping. Some things will never change.

Bed Battle Winner

2011-10-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

Just to let you know.....Hoosier totally won the battle of the queen size bed. I tried the pillow fort idea to keep him on his side of the bed but when I woke up around 2 a.m. he had rooted his way under it and was resting his head on my arm, snoring loudly. I moved him back to the bottom of the bed and this is a photo of how pitiful one little beagle can be. He looks like an ad for a canine antidepressant, the before shot. He just isn't happy unless he is snuggled up with me so I guess I am going to have to concede to a smaller portion of the bed. I am just a sucker for that pitiful look. I think he is in complete control of this situation, how about you?

The Beagle And The Bed Battle

2011-10-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

I have a seven year old beagle named Hoosier that can do magic. He can make his 28 pound body take up 80% of a queen size bed.

Every night we start out with him at the bottom of the bed and every morning I wake up crammed into the corner with him all stretched out and snoring. I am not sure how it happens but he becomes rather annoyed when I begin to move around in bed and complain. He is a bit like Snoopy and thinks he is way too cool for humans and we are just something he tolerates.

When the kids were little and they would sleep with me I would often find them on the floor with their pillow and blanket in the morning. When questioned they would explain that Hoosier pushed them out of the bed.

I would try to get him his own room since we have several spare ones but he refuses to sleep anywhere but with me when I am home.

Tonight I think I am going to build a pillow barrier and see if I wake up in the morning in the fetal position or if I still have room to stretch my legs out and allow the blood to circulate through them. Wish me luck!

Is This Supposed To Be Relaxing?

2011-10-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

Tonight I decided to take a bubble bath. I am on a new kick to take better care of myself and cut down on my stress..blah, blah, blah. I have never been much of a bath person. Maybe because growing up we only had a bath tub and no shower and I grew up thinking showers were a rich persons luxury.

Lots of my friends rave about how relaxing they are and how they read, meditate and unwind under those little bubbles so I thought I would give it a try.

First I had to clear all the clothes off the side of the tub otherwise known as "the place I put clothes that I am apparently too lazy to hang up". Probably just too stressed to worry about those clothes I thought to myself and after emerging I will be energized and ready to be organized. I know I was expecting a lot from the fizzy bubble pellet from Bath and Body Works but I girl can dream can't she? Isn't that what soaking in the tub was all about?

Clothes cleared I began to fill the massive tub. Note to self...next time don't get naked until the tub is filled. Especially on a chilly October night.

While I watched the water rise I busied my self setting up all the things I would need to relax. I positioned the iHome within reach which wasn't an easy task since there are not electrical outlets by the tub. I know , I know it is for my own safety. Next I attempted to light some candles but realized that the matches were downstairs and I was nude so bright light it was. Just in case you were wondering bright light plus nude after the age of forty is NOT a good thing.

After the music was on I remembered that I would need to have my cell phone handy in case my daughter called to tell me she was back at her dorm safely. Also, I thought I could check my Facebook while I was in there but realized that my phone would most likely end up in the water decided against it.

I was finally able to accumulate enough water to cover my body. This would have been a much easier feat in my twenties. In the spirit of relaxation I tried not to think of how flat my stomach was back then.

I sank into the tub and I had to pee. I jumped out , wrapped a towel around me and took care of business.

Back in I went when I realized that my daughter ( who is opposed to be getting rid of the house phone) would most likely call me on that phone just to annoy me. Out again and toweled up I retrieved that phone.

Back to the bubbles where I really did try and relax. I sang along to my tunes and thought maybe this might be worth all the prep. That lasted for about five minutes. The water was starting to become chilly so I ran more water.

I reclined back to enjoy it and my mind began to go over all the things I needed to do. Stop! I told myself. This is relaxing. You deserve this. If you don't take care of you , no one else will. Three more minutes pass and I was looking at the end of the tub and realized the logo was positioned off center and couldn't let it go. I keep thinking about whether or not the tub was made in America and if the logo was placed by a machine or a human and even wondered if I could pry it off and hot glue it back on. This is when I realized that there is something bad wrong with me. I do not have the ability to relax and soak in a bubble bath.

I gave up and got out and then remember that I had to wait and rinse all the bubbles down and clean the tub. Do people really think this is relaxing? Calgon won't take me away but there is a good chance if I have to endure another "relaxing" bubble bath the men in the white coats will.

Presence Versus Presents

2011-10-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

I am so excited for the holidays this year. This will be the first holiday in a very long time where all the madness of my previous relationship will not be a factor.

I know that it will be different, but sometimes different is a good thing. I love Christmas. I love the shopping, the baking, the chaos and the feeling that for a day we all take a break from everything and just enjoy each other.

I read a quote recently that said "Love is what you hear in the room when you stop opening presents and listen" I love that quote. It rings so true. Being with family is the most important part of the holiday. At our house we have lots of traditions, some crazy and some that we reinvent each year. But the most important thing is that we are all together, whether we are fighting over whose turn it is to bring the tree up from the basement or what type of cookies we are making. Usually at some point during the holiday season I end up exclaiming "that we are making memories here so everyone get in here and be happy". It has become a joke in our family. My kids will even say "get in here Mom we are making a memory".

So before the frenzy starts this year stop and take a moment to count your blessings. Remember that your presence is more important than your presents. Make sure you carve out and schedule time to watch a Christmas classic with your family and tell them how much you love them.

Strong Southern Women

2011-10-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

I am very blessed to have been raised and continue to be mentored by a large group of strong willed, intelligent and funny women.

Growing up I lived on our family farm with my parents, grandparents and great grandparents living on the same road. We gathered at meal times, harvested crops and sustained each other through good times and bad.

I thought everyone had this luxury. I couldn't have been more wrong. As I ventured out into the world I quickly realized that what I had been given as a child was a rare and precious gift.

From the moment I can remember the women in our family were the backbone. They all had a wicked sense of humor and enough gusto to fill a football stadium. They raised me to believe that I was beautiful, smart and capable. I was taught to help anyone you could any way you could and to do so humbly and without fanfare. Working hard was an expectation but that didn't mean we couldn't have fun while we shelled peas or gathered eggs.

Being a farm wife didn't mean a life without glamour. My grandmother is one of the sharpest dressed women I know. She could go from the cotton field to town with just a few minutes in the bathroom. She taught me the importance of looking your best when you are out and about.

These woman have molded me into the woman I am today. I carry the lessons they taught me with me everyday and have tried my very best to pass them on to my children.

Never underestimate the importance of growing up knowing you are loved, believed in and cherished. The gifts they gave me were priceless, and they are ones that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Dreaming In My Forties

2011-10-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

I am loving my forties. It has been a very challenging time but I have never felt more alive. I know that fifty is just right around the corner. I am not under the illusion that fifty is the new thirty. I have seen myself in the mirror and what is staring back at me is definitely not thirty.

With that said, I am enjoying life more than I ever have before, wrinkles and all. I think that forty is the time to enjoy all the fruits of our labor and reap the benefits of all the years spent building a life and a family. My children are growing up to be amazing people, I have a job that I love (two of them actually ) and I am in love with a wonderful man.

I no longer worry about spending time with people for the sake of being busy and I make the most of every minute I have with the people I love. I am not worried about building a life, I am enjoying the life I have built.

I know now that I have to enjoy my body because ten years from now these will be my good years. I wear shoes that are comfortable and clothes that make me feel good. I take time to call the people that time has taught me may not be here forever.

I take more chances and worry less about the consequences. I spent the first half of my life trying to make everyone happy, I plan on spending the last half of it making me happy. Less Lycra and more wine, more love in my love life and lots of shiny sparkly things surrounding me. Chocolate for dinner on occasion and Sundays spent in bed with a good book or a gorgeous man.

I am going to spend money on experiences and adventure and not furniture and accessories. I am going to grab all life has to offer.

I love the forties.

The Basement Gang

2011-10-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

I am surrounded by boys. One I gave birth to and several that I have adopted. I love these boys and love having them around. I call them the basement gang because they live in my basement.

The only problem I am encountering is that I am accumulating a large variety of clothes and shoes of all sizes. I have jackets, hoodies, shoes and underwear. I am considering making them have their clothes labeled so that I can at least put them in their perspective piles and ready for their next visit. I envision small laundry baskets with little tags with their names on them.

Some of my friends think I am insane for fostering the basement gang. I shop for their specific snack choices and provide their favorite drinks. I have known most of them since they were in the first grade and watching them grow into these amazing young men has been one of the greatest privileges of my life.

So if the price of this privilege is stray boxers and mismatched socks I say I am getting a very good deal.

Welfare Reform

2011-10-04T05:35:00.000-07:00

Seems like the hot topic these days is welfare reform. Everyone has their opinions and fiscally we know that things have to change. As a country we can't continue to pay out at the rate we are paying and expect the program to survive.

Now I am not well versed in all the in and outs of the system but I do know that the intent with which these programs were started has long since been forgotten.

The programs were intended to help people get back on their feet after life had knocked them down. It was not intended for those who just want to set back and put their feet up. There is a big difference.

I know some great hard working people that have reluctantly utilized these resources to sustain them during tough times. That is exactly how they should be used.

They should not be a means for anyone to continue to grow their families and stay home in lieu of seeking employment. They should not be used by folks who are working and getting paid cash to avoid the taxes the rest of us pay and they shouldn't be used because you are hiding the cash income from your business. If you are living in a expensive home and driving an expensive vehicle your kids should not qualify for the free lunch program at school.

If there is a way to reform this system it would be a very positive thing for our country. Weed out those who refuse to work to make the benefits available to those they can't work. Making drug testing mandatory just like it is when you apply for a job. The private sector doesn't pay you if you fail a drug test, should the public assistance be any different.?

Boys Versus Girls

2011-10-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

Homecoming week has been a very eye opening event for me. It has made me realize that having a girl first spoils you to certain things and having a boy bringing up the rear is a little painful.

Here is how Homecoming used to be at my house when Ashley was in high school. We would plan weeks in advance for the annual bonfire after the game at our house. We would have every detail down, including pre-wrapping the s'mores. Guest would be invited and a picture night would be planned for the dance the following evening. Parents of all the kids coming over for pictures would be informed and dinner would be served including but not limited to a chocolate fountain for dessert. I would feel very organized and in control. Last year we even hired a professional photographer for prom pictures. Are you getting the idea? A control freak mothers dream scenario.

This is what Homecoming week with Michael was like. When I asked any question pertaining to the upcoming festivities I would get either "I don't know" or "God, you ask so many questions!" I don't think "what is the plan for Homecoming ?" is a very probing question but what do I know.

The night of the game I ended up at Target just an hour before kick-off buying neon items for Michael and friends. Now I am quite certain that they knew in advance that the theme involved them needing neon clothing but they weren't overly concerned with that fact until four p.m. on Friday.(FYI...it is not easy to find neon clothing items to fit boys that are over six feet tall.) Pick up from the game involved more boys than I had seats to accommodate and an emergency return to the school to pick up someone named "Bones" that they forgot. It also involved stopping at several houses for the boys to change since they had not thought to pack a bag for the sleep-over at our home.

Saturday was just as stressful. I was told there would be pictures at the country club with dinner to follow. There was no plan on how they were getting to the dance from the country club until they were digesting their meal. Then just a "come now" phone call and another three minutes later "where are you" text. I had to gently explain to them that I wasn't a limo driver and I had not been sitting outside their venue waiting for them while I smoked and read the paper. I would require an allowance for drive time in the future.

I miss my organized girl but watching the guys have fun and experience absolutely no stress was nice as well. I guess I will just have to learn to give up control and roll with the punches for the next four years. Y'all wish my luck with that.

Bernie's Best Furniture Is The Bomb!!

2011-09-30T06:45:00.000-07:00

I have fallen in love with a store! This hasn't happened to me since I discovered Bling in Milford but I have found a new love and we couldn't be happier.

I have been feverishly looking for furniture to replace the "half" of my household that I lost in the divorce. I didn't want to just go out and purchase pieces that didn't speak to me. I like to furnish my home with things that make me happy when I look at them.

I noticed a picture in the Oakland Press featuring Bernadette (a.k.a. my new best friend) the owner of Bernie's Best Used Furniture and decided to stop by.

The store was filled with beautiful interesting pieces of furniture and other decorative items. Some were vintage and some were new but everything was beautiful. A wonderful smell filled the air from her very reasonably priced candle line and Patsy Cline crooned in the back ground. We Southern girls love our Patsy so it immediately put me in the mood to shop. Not that I have to have Patsy to be in the mood but ....

I purchase several items, one of which is in the picture. A beautiful buffet for my dining room. It reminded me of the one my grandmother has in her kitchen. The price was amazing and since I now have a wonderful boyfriend that told me that he would haul whatever I buy I couldn't resist (the buffet or the boyfriend).

The search continues for a large desk for my office but I am confident that Bernie will find the perfect one for me. After all I put it on my wish list at the store and lately all my wishes have been coming true. I love my life!!

Help! I Can't Find My Bitty Baby!

2011-09-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

Fourteen years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and this weekend he put on a suit and broke my heart.

I didn't see it coming but when I watched Michael looking so handsome in his suit with a beautiful girl on his arm something in my heart broke into a million pieces. This was my bitty baby boy standing there. This was the child that I had to buy an over sized chair for because he refused to sit anywhere other than with me. My sweet little toddler had morphed over night into a man and somehow I had missed it.

I am so proud of the man he is becoming. He is smart, kind and funny. He still loves his mom and isn't afraid to admit it to his friends. What more could a mother ask for? All I can ever possible ask for is a little more time. More time to enjoy him and be with him and be amazed at the man he is becoming.

I have been on this road through high school before with Ashley and I know that the time passes with lightning speed. I just want to slow it down. I want to freeze the quiet moments we have together driving in the car or talking before bedtime. I want to go back to Batman pajamas and bedtime stories. Is there a magic potion for that?

At Home Crisis Liaison

2011-09-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

I am very pleased to announce that Jennifer Ladd has been chosen as my At Home Crisis Liaison. This position is very important and I felt with her organizational skills and attention to detail that Jennifer was a perfect fit.

The responsibilities of the AHCL are to handle all things relating to my household in the event of my accident or demise.

I know every mom out there has looked around their house in the morning before rushing out the door and thought "Dear Lord, don't let anything happen to me before I get this house cleaned."

If you say you haven't then you just aren't being honest with yourself.

Jennifer will see to it that I don't have moldy food in the fridge, that the beds are made and that there are no piles of dirty laundry in my home. She will tidy up and light a candle so that when relatives start flooding in to sit by my bedside or plan my wake they will assume that my home was always this pristine.

Now most days this won't be a monumental task but on the chance that it has been one of those weeks, she will step in to make sure that all things are just as they should be. This is a very important position because the last thing you need to worry about when awakening from your coma is what your neighbors have been saying about your house and it's condition on the day of your accident.

Make sure after you find your plug puller, that you immediately fill this position. Trust me on this one.

Plug Puller Position Filled

2011-09-21T18:59:00.001-07:00

Please note that I plan on living forever, but wanted to have my ducks in a row just in case. It's like will but funnier.....

I am very pleased to announce that my best friend Tara Lagestee has been appointed Official Plug Puller in the event the life saving power plug ever needs to be pulled.

I have given this much consideration since my divorce and found Tara to be the most logical choice. Tara is prepared to assume this position and has been given the following instructions as to my wishes.

Don't unplug me until I am at least a size 8 unless I start to bloat and then unplug immediately

Until such time as the plug is pulled my hair must be colored every four weeks, my nails done every two weeks and my chin hairs plucked on a daily basis. Even if the rest of my body is failing I feel quite certain that those stubborn little suckers will continue to thrive. Upper lip should be waxed on an as needed basis.

If I am a vegetable but not in need of a plug, please give me several Ambien and smother me with a pillow. The pillow must have a case with a thread count of at least 600 because I don't want some cheap linen marks on my face for the viewing.

I should have on at the bare minimum earrings and a necklace at all times. People don't want to wail and sit and stare at a person in a persistent vegetative state that is not properly accessorized. Perhaps that just applies to me but just in case adorn me with sparkles.

If my condition was a result of an accident that is news worthy Tara has the picture I want displayed on the news and in print. Laugh if you want, but which picture would your husband hand over to Ruth Spencer of Channel 4?

There should definitely be a viewing because laying on my back will make my wrinkles less evident. Remember you only get one chance to make a last impression.

Tune in tomorrow when I announce the candidate chosen as At Home Crisis Liaison. The competition was tight but I am pleased to announce one candidate meet all the qualifications.

Back In School And Breaking Rules!

2011-09-19T20:27:00.001-07:00

Last night I attended curriculum night at my son’s school. Idon't like curriculum nights. They involve a lot of running from one sideof the school to another, sitting in classrooms that are stuffy and collectinghandouts that I feel compelled to keep but really don't want to.

I started out my evening late for first hour. I couldn'tdecide if I should wear my cute rain boots since technically it had stoppedraining. I had to decide on the shoes before I could decide on a jacket. If I wore the boots I was thinking I should tone down the jacket. But whowas I kidding? I am not a big fan of toning down anything, much less anoutfit.

After first period, I had to cross the entire school to go to ArtClass. Half way there I spotted the school bookstore with a 50% off signin the window and popped in to take a peak. I totally skipped second hourto shop. I wasn't off to a stellar beginning with a tardy and a skip.

Third hour I was early because I skipped second hour. That'sthe good news. The bad news is that I sat next to a guy with reallystrong cologne that distracted me. Not in a "he smells good"kind of way but in an "I hope I don't gag" kind of way. Needless to say I didn't learn much about Biology class.

Fourth hour started off great but my cell phone rang right in themiddle of the teacher's presentation. Those teachers sure don't like tobe interrupted. Jeez! It was my son Michael who knew very well I was inthe middle of class. I suppose the apple doesn’t fall far from the treeafter all.

Fifth hour my phone rang again. This was like totally not myfault because my best friend Tara was having a crisis and I had to take thecall. I gathered up all my shopping bags from when I skipped second hourand went out into the hall. Of course I received many terse looks from the"goodie goodie" parents.

Sixth hour I sat next to my good friend Pam. Now since wehaven't seen each other in a while we discreetly tried to catch up. Wewere in the back row and had no interest in how the teacher was using gold fishto teach property rights. After we had talked and giggled through the entirepresentation I noticed a man giving us "the look". You knowlike when you were goofing off in church and your mom would look at you? I asked Pam if she knew him and she said yes he was the assistantprincipal. I think he was none too pleased with our behavior.

I decided that school was exhausting and I needed a diet coke. I mean seriously all that running around and paying attention is hard ona person. All I can say is thank goodness there was shopping and thatthey can't put parents in detention.

Tools, Tears and Tackle Boxes

2011-09-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

Today I did something that I had been putting off for a very long time. I went through my dad's work shop. Since he died almost three years ago I had not been able to set foot in there for fear of breaking down and ripping open the wounds that still seem so raw and fresh.

Stepping in the door I was immediately flooded with emotion and wanted to just turn away and close the door. Even after three years it is difficult for me to believe that he is really gone. How is it possible for someone to be so alive in my heart and so absent from this earth?

I was gathering tools and items that I thought I could use and pass down to his grandson one day I thought of all the times we had stood together in that shop. Not nearly as many times as he and my brother Tony did but we made lots of great memories in there.

On one side of the garage was my grandfathers old 1946 Cub Farmall tractor. Some of the tools I was gathering had been in our family for generations. They are just old grimy wrenches and assorted items but knowing that my grandfather and my father has both touched and used them made them priceless to me.

In the corner on a table were two small red vices. These were the ones he used to hold my black flip flops together when her Gorilla glued them for me the summer before he died. He was my go to guy for anything that needed to be fixed. He was my go to guy for everything. He was hands down my very best friend.

I continue to wonder every day how there can possibly still be a world without my father in it. But I know he would want me to be happy and move forward. I try every day to live a life that would make him proud and that would "tickle him to death".

This is one girl that loved her daddy!

500 Straws

2011-09-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was at CVS picking up a few things and I noticed they had a summer clearance section. As I glanced around at the items I saw two packages that each contained 250 bright colored straws.

Now at our house my daughter Ashley always uses a straw when she drinks something. It is just a habit she developed and has continued. Seeing these reminded me of her and I purchased two packages for a total of 500 straws.

Later that evening as I was placing them in the drawer it dawned on me that she will most likely never be here for 500 consecutive days ever again. Sure she will be home for a few breaks and a few months in the summers but it will take her several years under the best of circumstances to use all those straws.

At that point I started to cry. No big crocodiles tears like I did the day before she left for college but just a few small tears rolling down the cheeks of a mother who was brought to her knees by the realization that she would never again need to purchase 500 straws.

Apathy After 9/11

2011-09-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

Ten years we sat and watched to majestic Twin Towers fall and as they did our innocence as a nation crumbled as well.

We can all remember where we were when we heard the news. It is a defining moment for our generation not unlike the generation before us that endured the assassination of President Kennedy.

As horrific as the attack was, I think what we are doing as a country to ourselves is just as horrific. We are an over indulgent nation that doesn't take any responsibility for the mess we are in.

First let me say that the politicians didn't get us into this mess, we did. You know why? Because we are too lazy to research candidates and get out and vote. Did you know weather can influence an election? Isn't it sad that most of us can't be bothered to go vote because it is raining? As a nation would rather sit back and bellyache about things than take any real action. We are too busy playing with our latest electronics to go attend a town hall meeting. Our biggest concern is about having a winning football team and not about who we are electing to our school board.

I feel the best way to honor all those brave firefighters and policemen that died in the attack would be to make sure as community that we support those remaining with job security and respect.

It is our responsibility to make sure OUR country remains the strongest and the best of the best above all others. We can't count on elected officials to do it for us. We need to take pride in our nation and cherish every moment of freedom that we have by voting, participating in things that affect us and by fighting for the things that really matter.

So as you are watching the memorials, remember that it most likely it won't be a terrorist that destroys our nation. It will be our own apathy.

Drivers Education..I Need Medication!

2011-09-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Michael just did something that only a cold heartless teenager would do. He came upstairs and dropped the drivers education registration form on my bed.

Doesn't he know that the thought of him entering the world of roundabouts and screaming sirens will keep me up the rest of the night? From the time he gets behind the wheel of that ugly drivers ed car until I lose my hearing completely every time I hear a siren I will assume he has been in a horrific accident and crying for his mother.

I remember distinctly when his sister Ashley started driving he wore his batting helmet in the car every time she drove. He said you could never be too safe so I know he comprehends fear. Can't he see fear in my eyes?

I am not ready for Michael to drive. I love driving him around, radio blaring and listening to him and the basement gang talk about their lives. I know how things change when they drive away by themselves. You miss out on all the little intimacies that get confessed in the safety of the car. Letting go is so hard..can't I just keep him safely buckled in beside me for just a little longer?

Good Bye Borders

2011-09-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember my children and I have loved the store, Borders. When the kids were little I told them that I would limit toys but would always buy books. It didn't take me long to realize that Ashley could easily bankrupt me with her appetite for the written word.

Through the years we have moved from the children's section with puppets and tiny chairs to the beginning readers. From the Junie B. Jones series and The Diary of the Wimpy Kid to the preteen romance novels Borders has been a part of the tapestry of our families learning and growing up process.

When my daughter Ashley heard they were closing she was in tears. Her favorite outing was always the book store. She loves her books and holds on to them for dear life. She is so opposed to the Kindle or the Nook and she is fighting technology tooth and nail.

So as a family we are losing a big part of our past when they close the doors at Borders for the last time. We have many memories that were made there and many memories snuggled together reading our favorite books together.

I know there will be other ways to get our books in the future but I am sure it will be nothing quite like wandering through the aisles together falling in love with reading.

2011-09-06T19:32:00.001-07:00

Two Horn Option

2011-08-31T20:45:00.000-07:00

I think every new car should come with a two horn option. One horn would be the standard blaring one that all cars are equipped with currently. You know the one that scares the crap out of you when you are stopped at a light and don't notice the change? That would be the one used to alert a driver to a real danger.

The second one would be a sweeter , gentler, softer sound that would casually alert the driver that perhaps their attention is needed. This would save a lot of lives as well because it would keep you from having a sudden heart when you are lost in thought and the danger horn is sounded from behind you.

I am just saying as a middle aged woman with a lot on my mind a gentle reminder to come back to reality would be appreciated.

Tom Kowalski

2011-08-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, my neighbor Tom Kowalski collapsed in his home and passed away. He was loved and respected by everyone he knew and the entire state of Michigan as well as the sporting world will miss him dearly.

My memory of him is not as a writer or sportscaster but as the big guy I would see playing baseball with the neighborhood kids and laughing at party.

No one of us knows when our last day will be. The best we can hope for is that when we are gone, we will be missed by many, rejoiced and not mourned and that the things we did on this earth mattered. Not just in the big name in print ways but in the backyard baseball game with the kids on the street.

Teenage Alzheimers

2011-08-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

There is a serious issue out there that I think most of you with teens are dealing with and concerned about. It is the inability of a teenager to remember anything that is of any significance to an adult.

My son Michael is a very smart young man but he suffers from teenage memory loss. We have lived in this house for seven years. For the past seven years trash day has always been on Thursday. Every Thursday it is a complete surprise to him that he needs to do the trash. He gets this blank look on his face like this is the first time he has ever heard of this and if I had only told him sooner he would have gotten right on it.

At first I was concerned and thought about organizing a 5K to raise money to find a cure for this horrible affliction. But then I realized that the memory loss had not reached all areas of the brain and with a little retraining I could turn this thing around all on my own.You see he can still remember the iTunes password, how to work his iPhone and what my name is when he needs money. He has retained the names of all his friends and is able to connect and invite them over on a regular basis.

I think I will just change the iTunes password every Wednesday night. Since I am getting up in age the extra worry of not having the trash by the curb will most likely result in my not being able to remember the password until the next Wednesday. I will just explain that memory loss is obviously a genetic disorder. I will give him the same look he gives me when he forgets the trash.

So don't lace up your tennis shoes for that 5K just yet. I feel a "cure" coming in about a week.

Welcome Case!

2011-08-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

We have a new baby in our family. Case Andrew Featherston was born yesterday to my cousins Adam and Karin. We couldn't be happier for them and I welcome them to the world of sleepless nights and endless worry

Thought I would offer them some words of wisdom from a weary mom of two.

1. The whole sleep when they sleep is b.s.. When they sleep you have to go to the bathroom, shower and eat. Sleep when other people are there to hold them, it isn't rude it is called survival.

2. Don't let anyone tell you that you have too much stuff in your diaper bag because the minute you take something out you will need it. Just remember to switch shoulders every now and then to make sure you don't end up permanently lopsided.

3. The bad news is that your breasts and your body will never be the same but the good news is that you will be too tired to care. I ask Grandmother once how long I could say the weight I had gained was baby weight and she said "well your Aunt Brenda is 43 and I am still saying it". So give yourself 43 years to lose it...lol.

4. Take all offers of help of any kind. Don't be too proud to say "if somebody doesn't take this baby for an hour I am going to end up on the six o'clock news". We have ALL felt that way and there is no shame in it. Take meals, help with laundry and offers to babysit. When the new wears off you will be sorry you didn't take advantage of the kindness.

5. Milestones are different for every baby. I swear there are mothers out there that claim their baby cut their own umbilical cord and drove home from the hospital. Ignore them! Rejoice everyday that you baby is healthy and happy and know that those over achieving babies will most likely grow up and work for your son.

6. Make time for your spouse. Even though you are parents you are still people. Make a date night even if you just go sit at the park and drink a coffee.

7. Take the bottle away before he learns to talk. When he is old enough to scream "I want my bottle" you have waited too long. Trust me I know this!

8. Potty training can either take a year or a day depending on whether or not you start when everyone else tells you to or when your child is actually ready. Just remember intelligence and bladder control are two separate things. If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say "Ashley is so smart, there is no reason why she shouldn't be potty trained." I would be a rich woman.

9. Enjoy. Don't worry about your house. If you have the choice between doing dishes and dancing around the kitchen to Barney, pick Barney every time. Time flies and those little moments are the ones that become the big moments they will remember. They won't remember your kitchen floor was spotless but they will remember making cookies.

10. Take lots and lots of pictures. Don't just do the ones where they are all dressed up but take the ones where they are sleeping or covered in mud. The ones of them doing the little things will be more precious to you than all the staged professional ones.

Most of all just love him and make him believe that no matter what he is the greatest thing that ever happened to you....because he is!

Does This Hair Style Go With My Glasses?

2011-08-26T04:00:00.000-07:00

It's official. I can't read without my glasses. Things have gotten so bad that I spend most of my day with glasses perched on the top of my head. This has caused me to reevaluate my hair style. I am worried that I am going to have a permanent bald spot where I pull several hairs out every time I pull my glasses down.

My bangs are in a perpetual state of chaos because they are tugged back when the glasses make their way on to the top of my head. They don't bounce back well so I end up with a little Aflac duck looking thing sticking out above my glasses. Just what I need to accentuate my crows feet.

Yesterday I actually had a pair of reading glasses and a pair of sunglasses on the top of my head. Who needs a hair style when I could add another pair of glasses and completely cover my head.

So the next time I go to the hairdresser to color and hide the gray hairs I am going to perch these glasses on top of my head and ask my stylist what style she recommends to go with my glasses.

A House Divided

2011-08-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

As most of you know I was recently divorced after 21 years of marriage.

Now that the dust has settled and the ink is dry, I find my self with a half furnished home. This is not a dilemma that I have faced since I first moved out on my own. Everywhere I look there are empty walls and empty rooms that where once filled with things I had chosen and collected to make my house a home.

At first I was intimidated by the wide open spaces. After being one half of a couple for so many years I had almost forgotten how to make a unilateral decision. When I first began to think about how I would fill the spaces I was stumped. But then I realized that I had the freedom to fill these spaces with anything and everything I found that made me happy.

Some would say my style(if they were gracious enough to say I had one) is eclectic. Eclectic really is just a polite way for people who actually have good taste to give the people that don't a label. I could truly care less. If I love it I will buy it. I will display it and won't feel the need to defend it.

I may be divorced but I am in love with the freedom of finding "my" things to fill my home.

Toilet Training

2011-08-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I visited Ashley at college. Yes, I am very aware that I just dropped her off so I don't need any comments from anyone regarding my letting go issues. (That means you, Jim and Brad).

Last month when our cleaning lady came Ashley asked that she not clean her bathroom. I hoped it was because she was going to clean it herself but turns out it was so trashed she just didn't want to bother to clean it for the cleaning lady. Around our house we clean up for the cleaning lady because she is one tough cookie and I am a little afraid of her.

I mentioned to her during our conversation that her bathroom was disgusting and her toilet needed attention. She replied "I know, what is all that black stuff in there?". I replied "dirt" and that is when I realized that my toilet training with Ashley had ended at the ripe old age of two. My child had never seen a dirty toilet. Someone , myself or a cleaning person had always cleaned her toilet so she had no idea that they were anything but pristine and white.

So I "toilet trained" her once again at the age of 18. I explained all about the toilet bowl cleaner and the brush and how it all worked. I was going to venture into the area of mopping and pulling hair out of the drain but I thought that might push her over the edge. She seems intrigued by this mystery being solved but a little disappointed like when she found out there was no Easter bunny. It was almost sad to watch the look on her face as she realized that this toilet cleaning task was now being bestowed upon her.

I guess it's all part of growing up. Learning that the toilets don't clean themselves and that groceries don't just appear in the pantry. Growing up isn't for the faint of heart and watching them grow up isn't any easier.

Virgins With A 4.0 GPA

2011-08-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

It seems every time I turn around someone is trying to convince me that my kids are growing up and are going to be corrupted by the world. I chose not to believe this. Don't get me wrong I am well aware of the realities I just CHOSE not to embrace them.

I have had the birth control, drinking and drugs talk more than once. In fact when the kids were little there was a television commercial that said "talk to you kids about drugs". Each time it ran I would yell for the kids to come here and I would say "kids don't do drugs, they said on t.v. that we should talk about it". They would roll their eyes and walk away. After a while when I was watching t.v.and would yell for them they would just yell back "We know Mom, don't do drugs, we get it". See I did my job.

But now that they are heading out into the real world I have chosen to purchase a home in the great state of Denial. It is a tranquil place where all moms would love to live. In Denial, all your kids are virgins with 4.0 GPAs. I have purchased a charming cottage and I am going to reside there for as long as possible.

Several people have tried to discourage me from relocating. I say if they want to live in the land of unprotected sex and academic probation, let them be. When it becomes too much just come on over to Denial where I will be waiting on the porch with a shot of Vodka and a change of address card.

Convenience Fees

2011-08-17T06:34:00.000-07:00

This summer I have purchased several different concert tickets from a variety of sites including Ticketmaster and Ticket Liquidator. Every time I do so they charge me a convenience fee of twenty-five dollars.

Since when did me paying you an absurd amount of money for a concert ticket become a burden for them and a convenience for me? Shouldn't it being convenient for me to give them my money be a given and not something else I have to pay for?

I feel the need to write a strongly worded letter at my earliest convenience.....

Milford Memories - MUST SEE!

2011-08-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

Here is a review that Jim and I did for our He Said/She Said column. It wasn't quite right for the digital E-zine but wanted to let you all know about this amazing store and this inspirational store owner. Enjoy.

Inspiration can strike you in the weirdest places. At least that is what the He said /She saidduo found on a recent stroll thru downtown Milford. This adventure lead us to a new business, aninspirational story, a comedic exchange and a place we feel you shouldvisit. On this particular day one halfof the duo found her Shangri-La and the other was left in her dust. What happened next depends on who you talkto…..

Kim: While Jim was taking apicture of a sign that said “Ask Dad He Knows” to have visual proof of hisnever ending quest to convince his daughter that he knows what he is talkingabout, I was drawn by a powerful force toward something shiny. I gave no thought to my friend and headedstraight for the big sign that said BLING.

Jim: Stopping for a moment to take a picture of a sign thataffirms what all fathers know and all others should come to respect, I wasabandoned by my friend. After ensuring Icaptured the essence of “father knows best” in the photo, I turned to find the street as empty as a deserted westerntown. Looking to the left she was nowhere to be found. Looking to the rightI noticed the BLING sign and realized that Kim had been lured away by somethingshiny.

Kim: When I walked into BLING the first thing I thoughtwas “this must be what heaven is like” and I was breathless and couldn't decidewhat to focus on first. Everywhere Ilooked there were shiny accessories, bags, clothes and everything I love. I completely forgot where I was much less whoI was with….

After the initial shock of the shiny stuff waned I realized thatthe building that housed all these beautiful things was full of character andcharm. This building was originally thehome of the Arms Brothers mens clothing store. In 1836, a general store was established which, over the years, evolvedinto a clothing store. Arms Brothersbefore closing was not only the oldest established business in Milford, it wasalso the oldest men's store in the state of Michigan. This building was not stranger to fabulousretail and this new business was no exception.

The story became more interesting when Jim started his normalinquisition about “how did you”. . . . He found out that in another lifetime Jennifer was a legal secretary fora divorce attorney and later an administrator for a doctors office. Althoughher time at the divorce attorney inspired her to stay single for many years,she is now happily married to a wonderful man that supports her venture.

Earlyin 2011 she decided to leave the world of medicine and continue in her studiesin fashion merchandising. In February she came upon the Bling Store during aLadies Night Out, sponsored by Milford Merchants. Like Kim she was enamored bythe store and coincidentally found out that the store was for sale. Her lifewould change for the better when on April 28, 2011, she bought the store andher dream was realized.

Jim: While Kim and my daughter, Delaney, squealed with delight andrushed from display to display, I discussed the merits of staying single withthis obviously happily married woman. I found this controversial topic moreengaging than choosing bling.

Kim: I decided while Jim was engrossed in his conversation withthe charming owner that this was the perfect time to scope out our purchaseswhile I hatched a plan to convince Jim that Delaney really “needed” theseitems. For a minimalist like Jim, theidea of a shiny accessory being a necessity was going to be a hard sell. Keep him talking Jennifer.

Jim: I have decided that this will be the last time that I allowKim to distract me while purchases are being selected. Sometimes I just let her think she is smarterthan me for fun of it (Kim: I am totally smarter than Jim.) but from the look in their eyes I had a feeling thatthis fun was coming with a price tag.

Bling is the place to go if you need any fashion accessories. You can find everything there from a tiara totank tops and anything in between. Forthe savvy shopper the prices and the selection can’t be beat and the chance tobe a part of helping a newly christened entrepreneur in this economy just makesvisiting Bling a shopping with a purpose experience.

Jennifer has made the history of the building part of the stores ambiance by keeping the original sign and displaying Arms Brothers memorabiliaaround as a part of the decor. She is also a patient and unbiased shopkeeper. After several long minutes ofnegotiating and bantering back and forth it was decided that Kim would becomeDelaney’s “Fashion God Mother” and pay for their purchases. I was standing onprincipal as a parent and wanted to see scholastic improvements before Iinvested in bling. I wasn’t buying thenecessity argument. We didn’t want toput Jennifer through listening to our debate on the benefits of bling as shehad just be a party to a humorous, yet serious discussion with another customerand her husband about why purses were better than golf.

In the end, Jennifer agreed with my logical but sometimescontroversial opinion on marriage as well as capitalized on a purchase from thewandering fashionistas. She had withvery little effort made us all three happy at the same time. Not an easy task to accomplish proving shewas smarter than the three of us.

Jennifer had all ready impressed us with the inspirational storyabout following her dreams. By lookingaround the store at her creativedisplays and the expert marketing of her merchandise it was clear that she wasa great business woman. Everything about the store was charming and the owners passion added just the extra sparkthat made linger and become a part of her success story. The fact that she wasso astute at staying neutral and endingour visit with a sale proves she has what the people skills it takes to besuccessful.

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Bling

Countdowns and Meltdowns....

2011-08-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

My daughter leaves for college in five days. Five days. She is counting down the days until she is able to enjoy the sweet taste of freedom and I am counting my emergency Xanax to see how long before I completely fall apart.

Lying in bed last night I was thinking about all the countdowns she and I had experienced together. I began our lifetime of countdowns with her birth. I couldn't wait for her to arrive.

Through the years we have counted down hours to a play date, days until school starts, days until school is out, days until Christmas and days until she could drive.

All these countdowns were happy and exciting and eagerly anticipated. They ended with a celebration of a momentous occasion.

This is how she feels about college. This is not how I feel.

I feel like I just gave birth to her yesterday. I think it should be a law that your children can't leave you until you have officially lost all your baby weight. In my case we would most definitely all grow old together.

As an intelligent and practical person I am very happy for Ashley. She is a smart and witty woman (gulp...woman?) that is destined for great things. She is more than prepared for the real world and I don't expect anything but an extraordinary experience for her.

As a mother, I am having a hard time imagining that she will be living her life anywhere other than the room down the hall and that at the end of the night she won't be sitting on the end of my bed telling me all about her evening.

I have watched her long curly ponytail walk away from me before....first day of preschool, kindergarten, camp and getting into a car with a boy. Each time she took a little piece of my heart with her and I am sure the Central Michigan good-bye will be no different. The only difference will be that it will be easier to see the ponytail with my arms wrapped around her leg. Y'all pray for me!

Shoes By The Back Door

2011-08-03T20:43:00.000-07:00

Every day when I come home from work I glance around to see how many extra kids I have. I can quickly assess the situation by the number of shoes by the back door that don't belong to anyone in our household.

Sometimes there are lots of pairs and sometimes just one extra but no matter how many there are it makes me happy that they are there.

Michael has a group of guys and girls that I love having in my house. Hearing their laughter from the basement is one of the greatest sounds. Midnight Slurpee runs and stacks of pizza boxes in my garage remind me of all the great kids I am getting the privilege of knowing. Most of these kids I have known since they were in first grade, some we picked up in middle school and others are new from the summer baseball travel league. I love them all.

I am so lucky that I get to watch them grow up and mature(still waiting on that one...lol) and become young men and women. I have watched them struggle through French class and cry over break ups. They have built bonfires and in the process built bonds that will last a lifetime. They don't realize it yet but they are creating relationships that will sustain them over the years. These friendships are the forever kind no matter how far they all scatter when they graduate.

I look forward to watching them head out into the world, dancing at their weddings and seeing them become the great people that I know they can be.

So to all the kids with your shoes at my back door, I love you all and thank you for letting the Eller house be your second home.

The Hips Don't Lie

2011-07-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

Last night for the first time in a very long time I had the house all to myself. I cranked my Ipod and tried to get through as many songs as I could while I did laundry.

I will admit that me dancing around the living room was most likely not a pretty sight but let me tell you I was dancing my butt off for about two hours....until the teens came home.

It felt good to just dance around uninhibited with no concern for eye rolling or comments like "you are so weird". I love my kids but sometimes as a mother and a dancer you can only take so much criticism before you snap.

All was good with the world when I went to bed but when I woke up about four a.m. I thought someone had broken into our home and was stabbing me in both hips. It didn't take me long to realize that while I was not actually being stabbed there were stabbing pains.

Apparently my desire to dance around gyrating and shaking my hips was much greater than my capacity. The "gyrating" muscles were not in good shape. After downing a few too many Alieve I laid back down thoroughly disgusted with my body. How dare it punish me for feeling young and happy for a few hours. Then I worried that there might come a time when I would be unable to dance around for hours. Had I passed my good ole days all ready?

I have decided that I will not give in and concede. I will crank my music and dance until my little heart (God I hope it isn't wearing out too) is full. Hips be damned! As long as there is Alieve I will continue my quest to dance through all 671 songs on my Ipod, I will just remember to take the drugs before I go to bed.

Mrs.Eller Goes to Washington- Final Chapter

2011-07-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

My TV Debut < Click on this link to see me on TV!

Read more: http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/mornings/summer-dress-tips-to-appear-slimmer-age-appropriate-071411#ixzz1TKWq7tdZ

I was still a bit fuzzy about how I ended up in Washington when the alarm went off at 5:45 a.m. Thursday morning. Those of you that know me well, know that there are very few things I would get up that early to do. The last time was when my niece Taylor was born and she is nine years old, if you get my drift.

After breakfast in bed (thank you Mr. Room Service guy) we hailed a cab and headed to the Fox News Station. I must admit hailing a cab made me feel very big city. Sure is different from sporting around in a mini van covered with baseball field dirt.

I arrived to find that I was one of three models. Melissa Gonzalez, stylist and fashion contributor for "Lucky" and "Latina" magazine outfitted us with accessories. It was pretty cool as a jewelry junkie to see her "stash" of all things sparkly. Hair and make-up was touched up and we were ready to tape our segment.

It was very apparent by glancing at my size 2 and size 6 modeling partners that I was the "How to Dress Slimmer" model but I didn't care. I was having a blast and hey somebody had to do it.

The stage looked like a big warehouse room. Not at all glamorous but filled with energy as the camera angles were assigned and Melissa ran through her copy. It was at this point that I began to mutter to myself "what the heck was I thinking?" but lucky for me the shoot began immediately.

We each modeled for our segment and then went out as a group for a final shot. This is when the producer I call Birkenstock lady began to wave frantically for us to change positions. It is very distracting when you are trying to look pretty and to stand in a way that will hopefully make you look thinner to have some crazed lady flailing her arms and trying to mouth MOVE OVER to you. In the video you can see me scoot to the side and look a little bit afraid because I was sure her next move was to fling one of those hard brown sandals at us. She was scary.

In a blink my brush with fame was over. Promotions pictures were taken and we all chatted for a few minutes. Then came the really depressing part. Melissa wanted her bling back. I had never had to return something shiny before and I have to say I didn't enjoy the feeling. Usually when I see something shiny I buy it and it doesn't leave my wrist or finger until we are at home. That's the way I like my sparkle, close by and accessible.

After I recovered from the heartbreak and separation anxiety Ashley and I settled in for our nine hour trip home.

The best part of the whole trip aside from the cupcakes was spending 18 uninterrupted hours in the car with my baby girl. She is leaving for college in 17 days and having her all to myself one last time was worth all the bling in the world.

It was the end of another adventure in Kim's Crazy Life, but stayed tuned you always know there is another one just around the corner.

Mrs. Eller Goes To Washington - Part Two

2011-07-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

Ashley and I finally arrived in the nations' capitol. It was a perfect uneventful drive. When I say uneventful I mean the Pennsylvania Turnpike is the most boring stretch of highway I have ever encountered. I understand now why the Amish population is so large here...there are no temptations. I actually ran out of diet coke at one juncture and I seriously considered calling Road Side Assistance.

We are spending the night at the Georgetown Inn in the heart of Georgetown. We spent the evening walking around and window shopping in all the stores that sell wares we can't afford. It was fun....as fun as walking around feeling poor can be. To prove you don't need money , just chocolate to be happy we went in search of something to satisfy our sweet tooth.

We found the answer to all the worlds' problems at Sprinkles, the famous cupcake store that is featured in the reality show Cupcake Wars.

If you ever want to be truly happy or able to fake it with accuracy, get a job here. These are the happiest sales people I have ever met. I don't know if they are on a perpetual sugar high or extremely well paid but they are happy,happy,happy.

Back now lounging in the hotel with cupcakes and trying not to be nervous about tomorrow. How I went from being home on Monday to being in D.C. on Thursday on television is still a bit fuzzy. Sometimes you just have to grab life by the "cupcakes" and take a risk.

Wish me luck!!!

Mrs. Eller goes to Washington

2011-07-12T06:44:00.000-07:00

Sunday night I was browsing Facebook when I noticed a post on the Glamour Belles page. Glamour Belles is a new reality show on Lifetime that takes place in formal wear shop in a little town in Tennessee. The kids and I had stopped in to meet the gang on our last trip down south and fell in love with them.

The post said they needed models for a segment they were taping in Washington D.C. on Thursday morning I shot Paige the owner a quick message jokingly asking if there was an age limit. She said no and to send a photo but the PR firm would be choosing the winner so she had no input in the decision.

I sent my photo and an email and promptly rolled over and went to sleep.

The next day at work I received a message on my phone that I had been chosen and would need to be in D.C. on Wednesday night and the segment would tape on Thursday morning. I was shocked and excited.

So off the D.C. I am heading. Instead of flying, Ashley and I are driving so she could be a part of the adventure as well. It will be a nice mother/daughter road trip since she leaves for college in a month.

Just goes to show you that you never know what is going to happen and you should always be willing to take a risk.

I will fill you in on all the details as soon as I return. Wish me luck!.

It Is Just Stuff....

2011-07-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

At least that is what I keep telling myself. My divorce has finally come to an end and my husband will be moving out in a few days. After a very emotional ten months of back and forth and lawyers and court dates we have reached the point where we are actually going to be able to move on with our lives. It is a positive thing and way overdue.

Now comes the part where we start splitting up all the household stuff. First let me say that I don't believe there is anything worse than fighting over a dish or a picture especially when you have kids involved. It is all replaceable and it is just stuff , right?

One thing I have discovered is that it may be just stuff but that stuff is a symbol of 21 years of our life together. Even though we are both ready to move on splitting up all the things is just a very visual remainder of how we are dismantling our lives and those of our children.

It's strange to come home and see an empty spot where a piece of furniture that you remember buying and that you have been dusting and looking at for years is just gone.

I keep telling myself that it is just stuff and it is, but I also have to take a moment to be a little sad that the life I knew is changing.

The One Left At The Window

2011-07-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my friend Shawna and I were having lunch with our girls after a college shopping expedition. They finished first and were sitting outside the restaurant soaking up some sun. Gazing upon these beautiful grown up young ladies we couldn't help but reminisce about the days when they were toddlers.

It was hard to believe that these were the same little girls that used to stand at the window and cry for us whenever we left the house. I remember how the sight of Ashley perched on the windowsill with her little tear stained face pressed against the glass used to make me want to pull back in the garage and never leave. But I knew as soon as I was out of sight she would adjust and be just fine.

It occurred to me that soon I will be the one standing at the window watching Ashley pull out of the drive and head out to start a whole new life. I know there will be tears and I will make every attempt not to chase her car down the road, but I make no promises.

I have come to realize that it is much harder to be the one standing at the window than it is to be the one pulling out of the drive. The roles have changed but the outcome is the same. She will pull away because she has to (and she really really wants to) and I will stand and watch her car disappear, just as she did with mine.

I know I will be all right. The sadness will be replaced by the all those little distractions of life and before I know it the car will be pulling back into the drive. Each time the goodbyes will get easier as I "grow up" and become adjusted to being the one left all alone at the window.

The Vacuum Sucks Too!

2011-06-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have been hearing that the opinion of the teens is my household is that these summer rules "suck" which leads me to Survival Tip #3: Vacuuming.

We have a wonderful Bosch vacuum. I know this because it was one of my Christmas presents several years ago. Perhaps since it was a gift for me you feel like you aren't allowed to use it. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Michael, when you walk through the house in baseball cleats or flip flops covered in baseball field dirt it leaves a trail. I don't know if you are like Hansel and Gretel trying to leave dirt to find your way outside again or what but for the rest of us the crunch under our feet is annoying. This is where the Bosch sweeper comes in. Plug it in and it will suck up all the dirt. It is amazing!

Ashley, when you spill a bowl of popcorn the pieces that fall under the furniture are still your responsibility. It's not like the tree falling in the woods and no one hearing it. Just because when you lean forward and gaze at the floor without leaving the couch and can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. The popcorn under the coach can be seen from across the room as you enter the front door.

Now I know that it may be difficult to pry the sweeper away from Michael but if you can, give it a spin yourself and see the wonder of the Christmas gift that keeps on giving or should I say sucking,

Summer Survival Tip #2

2011-06-23T06:07:00.000-07:00

Laundry

First let me remind you that a load of laundry is when the washer is full of dirty clothes. A load is not two socks that don't match and the shorts you want to wear today. Remember we talked before about how scary the washing machine is and that the clothes feel more secure if there are a lot of them in there.

Second, the "do a load" of laundry process is just that...a process. That means there are a series of steps involved. After the washer has stopped the clothes need to be placed in the dryer. The lent trap needs to be cleaned out so that our home doesn't catch on fire. This is an important step. Trust me, a house fire would severely impair your social life.

After the dryer stops the clothes need to exit the dryer into a basket and then they need to be folded. Folding is an important step in the process. Otherwise they need to be ironed or you will leave the house looking like your shirt spent the night crammed in an aspirin bottle. While this may not bother you, it will really bother me and I will be cranky and well you know the rest...

NOTE: If you leave the clothes in the washer overnight, don't try to just add an extra bounce and think the yucky smell will go away. You must at that point wash the clothes again. Remember when we put the tent away wet and the next time we used it during the rain we had to evacuate due to the smell? That is what your clothes will smell like.

NOTE to Michael: Just because every time I try to explain this process you run away yelling "LA LA LA I can't hear you" doesn't exempt you from this chore. I know you truly in your heart of hearts believe that their will always be a "hot" girl that you can convince to do your laundry. While you are adorable now, your looks may one day fade and you might have to resort to doing your own chores. I know this is as hard to believe as global warming and that flossing is good for you but it is true so consider yourself warned

Stay tuned to find out the mystery surrounding the vacuum cleaner.

Tips for Surviving Summer

2011-06-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Eller children:

For the next few days I will be giving you tips on how to survive the summer. By survive I mean how to make it to September without our neighbors being interviewed on Channel 4 talking about how sweet your mom "was" and how they can't believe she just "snapped".

Tip #1

Please do not call me at work right after lunch and ask me what my plan is for dinner.

I am treating patients. Their therapy is valuable and my time is billable. Neither should be interrupted.

Chances are I do not have a specific plan for dinner. Unfortunately for you , I am not one of those moms that maps out our meals a month in advance on the calendar. Please feel free to pretend you are on Survivor and that making dinner is your next challenge. Keep in mind that as unemployed teenagers you have no immunity and can be voted off the "island" at any time.

Unless I walk through the door with a carry out bag, dinner will take me at least thirty minutes to prepare. It would be wise choice if you are in the kitchen to help me in some way. Please don't stand and whine about how you are starving all the while munching on snacks. Children who do this and then tell me they aren't hungry when dinner is ready run a very HIGH risk of being beaten with a wooden spoon.

Stay tuned tomorrow to learn what constitutes a "load" of laundry.

Your loving Mom

Unofficial Weiner Poll Results

2011-06-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at work I decided to take a very unofficial poll to help poor Representative Wiener find out where exactly he went wrong with his brilliant plan to entice women with a photo of his penis.

I asked 25 random women of various ages the following question:

If a guy wanted to send you a picture to get you excited, should he send a picture of an awesome purse, a killer pair of shoes, or a picture of his "wiener".

Results were as follows: Purse - 19 Shoes - 6 Wiener - 0

Maybe Representative Wiener should follow the advice that I am sure he received during his first Communications 101 class......Know you audience! I am just saying it could have saved him a lot of embarrassment.

Twelve Years Later....

2011-06-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

Twelve years ago my daughter Ashley finished kindergarten and exited the school bus looking quite triumphant. We hugged and as we walked back to our house I said to her, "Just think, next year you will be going to first grade." She stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me with those big brown eyes and said "Oh, I am not going back again next year." It seems she was under the impression that her school career began and ended with kindergarten. Maybe in all the excitement of starting school I had failed to cover the exact time commitment involved. My bad.

Today as I sat with tears streaming down my face during the Senior Celebration I couldn't help but remember that little girl. The senior slide show (a ritual designed to make peri-menopausal women sob their mascara off) consists of a toddler/baby picture and a recent picture of each graduating senior. I was about three cute little cherub faces in when the tears started flowing. It wasn't just my child's photo that got to me but it was every photo. They were all so sweet and then BOOM two seconds later the grown-up version of the little faces appeared. Couple the photos with some sappy songs and you have yourself a soggy snot faced Kim

Where had all that time gone between me explaining that she indeed did have to go back next year , and for the next eleven years and today. Who had hit the fast forward button on my little girl's life? How could all those individual days that seemed like they went on forever fly by so quickly? I want my baby back for a day or two.

I want to snuggle and make cookies and have complete and total control over her fate and her play dates. But just for a day or two, because I know that I have to let her step out into the world and make new tomorrows without me by her side.

In a few short months she will drive away to begin her college career. I take a little credit for her achievements, after all, I am the one that broke the news to her that she had to go back for twelve more years.

I Am Back

2011-05-31T19:39:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry it has been so long since my last post. Life has been crazy and chaotic and I am still going through my less than amicable divorce. As they say, "if you don't have something nice to type, don't type anything at all". So things are better and I have some really nice things to tell you about and it feels really great to be typing again.

Over the next few weeks I will be covering my baby graduating from high school and moving on with her life. That topic in and of itself could keep me typing until the keys wear out. One day I am teary eyed and can't believe she is leaving. The next day I am dusting off her luggage and counting down the days until she heads out on her own.

I am knee deep in my divorce and surviving...barely. Even if both people are ready to move on it is an ugly messy process My life is like a snow globe. Right now there is a lot of stuff flying around but when it all settles there will be a beautiful scene to behold.

These two transitions occurring in my life at the same time are going to be exciting, scary and exhausting. I am convinced that good things are on their way but until then all I can do is keep my heart and my wine glass full and see how things turn out.

Mother's Day Essay

2011-05-10T06:53:00.000-07:00

My children were awesome to me for Mother's Day. Tickets to see the musical Memphis and flowers.

As a special surprise Michael gave me an essay that he had written for school. I was so touched I thought I would share it with you.

My mom is special because she is supportive in everything I do, is nice to everyone she meets and is very caring.

She thinks about others before herself. She volunteers anytime she gets the chance for anything she can. She in fact is making dinner for me right now even though she hasn't had dinner yet. She also always lets me pick where to eat, drive and go on vacation.

My mom will stop at Target and help someone or talk to them even when she has never met them. She will stop on the side of the road to help someone when she's never met them. She is a physical therapist assistant and always tells me about how much she tries to get them better from their sickness.

My mom is the greatest cook ever. She always has the greatest things hot and ready. When I wake up and she didn't go shopping she takes me out to eat to make sure I have great breakfast.

Those are all the reasons that my mom is the greatest mom ever!

Things I Love

2011-05-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

I read a quote recently that said "fall in love with as many things as you can in this lifetime". Not sure where I read it but it stuck with me.

One of the things I loved about my dad was that he had the knack for enjoying the little things in life. Whether it was a piece of pie, a movie or just a song on the radio if he liked it he took the time to enjoy it.

So many of us have become accustomed to bigger and better and that everything has to be amazing to be worthy. How many great things are we ignoring everyday by looking forward to something that we think should wow us.

Be wowed today by something. There will be something that crosses your path today that you can fall in love with.

I fall in love with things all the time. This week I am in love with McDonald's Fruit and Maple oatmeal, earrings that sparkle and are shaped like a crown and a pair of clogs I found at the Salvation Army. All these things are simple and inexpensive but I am enjoying them.

Next week I am sure I will have a new batch of things that I am in love with. If I keep loving all the little things I will be ready to love the big things when they come along. Practice makes perfect.

An Innocence Lost

2011-05-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

On September 11, 2001 I was sitting with my son watching Blues Clues when the whole world changed. Apparently they don't interrupt Blues Clues for anything so we were oblivious that our country was under attack.

A frantic knock on the door by my neighbor shattered our moment of innocence and propelled my son and I as well as the rest of the nation into a day that would forever change our country.

As I switched over the channel to see the events unfolding I remember my son thinking that the airplane hitting the building was "cool". At four he had no idea what was going on.

Last night when he came into my room to tell me Bin Laden was dead I thought about how his life had been changed by this terrorist. No longer the little blond haired toddler that spent the day in awe of the airplanes, he is now a member of the generation raised with the constant fear of a terrorist attack.

His generation will never know what it was like to feel completely safe. They have to look for abandoned backpacks and illegally parked vehicles in front of buildings. They grew up knowing what high alert means when it comes to terrorist attacks. Getting on a airplane will always have a different level of concern for them than it did for us. When we grew up we worried about the plane crashing and now they worry that some lunatic will crash it for them.

I hate Bin Laden for the horrific acts he condoned and carried out against all the people that died on 9/11. But I also hate him for stealing the innocence of our nation and of my children.

My hope is that his death will do for our country what the 9/11 attacks did- bring us together and unite us. Let it be a reminder after the horrible 9/11 wake up call that we are a country that survives no matter what is thrown at us. With all it's problems and worries we still live in the greatest country in the world and as Americans there is nothing we can't do if we ban together.

He took the innocence of a generation but he can't take the heart of our nation.

My Baby? Not Any More....

2011-04-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

Today I took my daughter Ashley to the doctor. While she was out of the room I voiced a concern about something and the doctor informed me that he would have to consult with her before he could speak with me about it because she is an adult.

Excuse me? I informed him that she would not be 18 for two more weeks so technically she wasn't an adult. Translated into mother speak I was telling him that she was still my baby....and she always will be.

He then informed me that at his practice that 16 was the age they considered my child to be an adult, or at any age they become pregnant, they are independent. What? If Ashley had gotten pregnant at 14 I would have been ushered out of the room and left out of the decisions? In my opinion if your child is pregnant before they turn 18 you have all ready been out of the room too much---I am just saying.

Now I was under the impression in my rational mind that I was handling the senior year and imminent departure of my first born for college very well. At least I thought I was until I was informed that I was no longer needed at the doctors office. Who is going to hold her hand when they draw blood? Who is going to fill in the blanks when she explains her symptoms? Who is going to pay the bill? I don't think I am ready for this. No, I know I am not ready for this.

What is next? They are going to tell me I can't travel to Central Michigan and clean her room? Is there a laundry ban for mothers in the dorms? I suppose my presence in the delivery room won't be needed either! LOL!!

Thankfully, Ashley had no desire to kick me out of the room so I was able to stay. I thought growing up was hard, but letting her grow up is going to be even harder.

Needed: Clothes To Get A Life In!!!!

2011-04-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went out with some friends to hear a band and relax. I had a fabulous time! I danced all night and I wore my one cute shirt. Seriously, I have one cute shirt that isn't either a polo shirt, a kids related t-shirt or a work shirt.

As I looked around the bar I noticed that mine were the only mom jeans in the place. Everyone else had sparkles and emblems on their back pockets. One lady was sporting jeans with crowns embroidered on her pockets. How had I survived this long without those jeans?

As I glanced around at the cool clothes I realized that if I was going to get a life I was going to have to start with new jeans.

Second on the list of necessities needed to get a life is a pair of shoes that can't be worn to the baseball field. They will need to have high heels and be fabulous. This addition will require a bottle of ibuprofen and some practice.

Third, I am going to need a smaller purse. I have a mom purse which means that I have a purse big enough to hold everything that a family of four would need to survive for a week on a desert island. I need a cute little clutch that I can take on the dance floor and not one I have to hire someone to watch while I am away from the table.

I am sure as time goes by and I have new experiences that there will be other things I will find necessary to facilitate my getting a life, but for now I will start with these three.

Easter Bunny Boots

2011-04-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

Seriously? Is it really snowing the week of Easter? I think I am going to start a new company called BRRR Bunny. This company will offer realistic Easter apparel for those of us living in the north.

For example we could have cute pastel Easter boots and coats. No more Easter lilies and little white gloves. There would be snow shovels decorated with a bunny in a parka and wool mittens to match your outfit.

All the Easter eggs would have to be bright orange and yellow in order to find them in the snow. Oh, and they would also have to be waterproof.

It's hard to celebrate a resurrection when you are still buried...in snow!

Hello, my name is Kim....

2011-04-14T15:28:00.000-07:00

Hello my name is Kim and I am addicted to ribbon and all things shiny. Whew! they say the first step is admitting you have a problem so I am well on my way to recovery.

Last night I was walking into Michael's Craft Store talking to my friend Jennifer on the phone. Jennifer asked me to check to see if they had baseball pennants (FYI she needs to be at the Crafters Anonymous Meeting with me. ) Keep in mind I was having this conversation as I was entering the store. Do you think I remembered to check for her? NOOOO!!! I was drawn into the land of "Look I Could Make That" and never came back to reality.

Everywhere my eyes landed there was ribbon which to me is like a really pretty form of crack. You start out telling yourself you will just buy one spool of ribbon that you really need and before you know it your are hiding it under your bathroom sink.

It was so shiny and beautiful I was overwhelmed. I could see myself making Ashley headbands, scrap booking with it, tying it on everything I own and wrapping presents with all the beautiful colors. Then I turned the corner to the pink ribbon section and I actually squealed out loud and scared a small child.

This crafting, ribbon, shiny thing addiction looks harmless but it's serious folks. If I showed you my ribbon "collection" you would be appalled. I am appalled and it's my ribbon collection.

In my defense (or as they say in rehab my denial) I am always prepared to wrap a gift any time of the day or night. How can something so pretty be a problem? Oops, maybe I should head back to step one....

My Sweet Baby Boy

2011-04-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

On Saturday my 14 year old son Michael asked if we could go to Leo's Coney Island. Since we go there a lot I thought I would ask if there was something he wanted from Leo's or if he wanted to go somewhere else.

When I asked him the question he replied "Nothing special just want to spend some time with my mom." If you are a mother of a teenage boy feel free to take a moment to dab the tears from your eyes. I know I had to dab a few myself.

After we were seated I excused myself to the bathroom and when I came back he said "I went ahead and put sweetener in your tea the way you like it". What was this child doing trying to make me have a complete breakdown at Leo's?

Don't get me wrong Michael has always been a sweet kid but as he gets older I can tell it is not as cool to be best buds with your mom and I respect that. OK, for those that know me well, I really really try to respect that.

For a few moments on a Saturday afternoon I was able to bask in the glow of the full attention of my son. I really love him as a son and as a person. He is so much like my dad that sometimes it takes my breath away.

So I am going to savor this moment until the next time he tells me I am weird or rolls his eyes at me. But secretly I know behind all that bravado there is still that little blond haired boy that loves his momma.

Left footed

2011-04-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

And so it begins again. Just when I had recovered from teaching Ashley how to drive the time has come to begin with Michael. Teaching your teen to drive is a learning experience for both of you.

For example, yesterday I learned something new about my son. As I was teaching Michael how to drive I mentioned that he should only use his right foot for the brake and the gas. He informed me that he was "left footed". I had no idea that he was "left footed" or that anyone was left footed. See what a learning experience that was?

With Ashley I learned that driving around in a circular motion makes me nauseous. Now I administer Dramimine before the lesson begins.

I learned the imaginery brake doesn't work and just makes my hip ache the next morning.

After many "passionate" conversations, I convinced Ashley that saying "I am sorry" doesn't keep the metal from the other vehicle impale your body. Sorry is nice but it isn't the emtional airbag for all your driving mistakes.

The most important lesson I learned from driving with a permit possessing teen-ager is that you have to cherish the time. All the talks and listening to the radio and laughing won't last forever. Very soon they will be pulling out of the driveway without you so enjoy the ride.

Here I Go Again....

2011-03-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

Several times a year I travel to Tennessee with my kids. I have been doing this for the last 17 years. No matter where we have lived I always made it a point to take them to the farm to visit their Tennessee family.

When they were toddlers it required frequent stops and lots of placating. Things haven't really changed that much.

Instead of packing a diaper bag I now have to make sure everyone has all their chargers. Through blurry eyes the night before we leave I attempt to figure out which charger goes to what device. Phone chargers, Ipod chargers and portable DVD players must all be ready to go. There must be at least two options of entertainment at all times. More importantly there must be a car charger for their cell phones. If they go dead mid trip they will start to twitch and become very agitated. It is a scary sight I have seen it.

Snacks and drinks are a must but at least now they aren't slinging sippy cups full of apple juice all over the interior of the van. I really can't judge them on the drinks part because I am firmly convinced that my van will not start if there is not a diet coke in the cup holder.

It takes a lot more to fill them up now than it did when a small cup of Cheerios was sufficient. My brother Tony has Michael convinced that truck stop hot-dogs are the greatest thing in the world so he wants to consume at least two every six hours.

The music for the trip is a big deal. I usually try to get a book on tape because otherwise I have to set the timer on my phone and alternate between Ashley's Taylor Swift collection and Michael's "stripper pole music". Notice a third option for me is not included in the music rotation.

If either of them have to go to the bathroom at the same time on the trip I will consider that a full blown miracle and will alert the Vatican. Usually one bladder is lagging behind the other by about 100 miles.

But I have learned over the years that no matter what the emergency or how many times we have to stop we always end up with one classic story from the trip and a few new favorites songs. I am going to try to enjoy every minute ..even the stripper pole music...because soon they will be grown with jobs and families and attempting to travel together will become very difficult.

So on Friday I will attempt the impossible. I will try to travel 12 hours with three teen-agers (Michael is bringing a friend) and savor every moment. I will let you know how it turns out.

My Baby Is Sick...

2011-03-22T10:03:00.000-07:00

Ashley is a senior this year and has been rehearsing her little heart out for her final choral production, Beauty and the Beast.

Yesterday she woke up with a sore throat, headache, earache and just an overall feeling of YUCK! Seeing her sick is so hard but what makes it even harder is that I know in five months she will be at college. The chances are good that I won't be there the next time something like this happens.

As any mother knows when you have a sick child you will do anything to make them feel better. Sometimes just making the chicken noodle soup and buying the popsicles is all we can do but at least we are there with them through the suffering.

I dread the first time she calls me and says "Mom , I am so sick! sob, snort ,sniff...." and I won't be able to rush into her room and comfort her.

I have been told that hundreds of thousands of freshman go off to college every year and survive but I have yet to see the statistics on the moms.

Since the day she was born I have been there for every boo boo and heartache. I can tell by looking at her if she needs ice cream, retail therapy or if she just needs to go have a good cry before we talk. She is one of my dearest friends and I love hanging out with her. I love taking care of her. Being her mom is just plain wonderful

So for right now I am going to spoil her rotten while she is sick. Because next time I might not get the chance. Then it will be my turn to sob, snort and sniff......

The Real Losers in the "Winning" Game

2011-03-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

I along with the rest of the nation have watched over the past several weeks as one of the most talented actors on television spiraled out of control. Watching Charlie Sheen unravel has been a painful experience.

He thinks he is "winning" at some sort of game he so casually calls his life. The problem is that the four small children he has fathered in the last ten years are losing...and losing big time.

Any time a parent has a substance abuse problem it affects the entire family. It is a sickness that touches everyone they love and most of the time the addict has no regard for anyones feeling but their own. Charlie Sheen with all his power and money is no exception to this rule.

My hope is that his children are being sheltered as much as possible from the media, but we all know that in this day and age that is a daunting task.

So Charlie, so glad you feel like such a winner. I just hope one day you will realize that there is now way to win and destroy your loved ones at the same time.

I Need a Flip Flop Fix!!!!!

2011-03-11T05:54:00.000-08:00

Every year at about this time I start having flip-flop withdrawal. I go for a pedicure and pick the wildest color I can find and I count down the days until I can put on my pink flip-flops and enjoy the sunshine.

Winter in Michigan is entirely too long. I love my Ugg boots (actually they are Fugg boots ..fake Uggs) but I am so tired of wearing them. Even my adorable black and white rain boots are getting on my last nerve.

I keep threatening to get in my car and drive until the temperature turns to 75 degrees. I don't ask for much. I would like to put on my flip-flops and go vaccum out my car. I would like to stop for ice cream without having snow blow in the window while I am trying to order. Call me crazy but I don't believe windshield wiper fluid should be a staple on anyones grocery list.

I may have to write a strongly worded letter to Mother Nature and remind her that a pedicure is a terrible thing to waste.

Evaluating and Eliminating...

2011-03-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

Going through a divorce makes you think about everything in your life that might not be as you wish it were. When you look back and realize that for longer than you care to admit you have been putting the needs of so many others ahead of your own, it can really shock you.

I am blessed to have so many supportive and wonderful people in my life. Over the years I have forged some amazing friendships and relationships that I cherish. However, if I really sit back and evaluate where my time and energy goes, it isn't always allocated where it needs to be.

So I am taking a good hard look at things and trying to find balance. I want to have time to enjoy the wonderful people that God has placed in my life. Sometimes I spend time spinning my wheels trying to please people that don't make me a priority or that when all is said and done won't remember or care.

My plan is to evaluate and eliminate the things that don't give me joy. I have learned that if I am doing something for someone I should be doing it because it brings me joy to do it for them. Hopefully my days as a people pleaser are behind me.

Pantry Fraud

2011-03-03T06:18:00.000-08:00

Interested in building a clubhouse out of empty boxes? If so , my pantry is the place to go. Don't be fooled as I was into thinking those bright, colorful tempting boxes were filled with food. Oh no! they are all empty!

I ventured to the kitchen last night for a bedtime snack and thought my choices were plentiful. However, after pulling out eight empty boxes I realized I had become a victim of pantry fraud.

Pantry fraud occurs when the lazy people in your household take the last (insert your favorite snack here) and don't throw out the empty box. You may be fooled for days thinking you are resisting the Pop Tarts only to find the box was empty the entire time. That sweet snack that you were waiting to munch on until you had a really stressful day and deserved the treat, gone.

Over the years I have threatened to stop grocery shopping until I could take an accurate inventory, vowed to stop buying snacks and promised to only buy fruit. You can't commit fruit fraud. It is either in the bowl or it's not.

Last night I had three fits and a bad spell and threatened to take the empty box and make a weapon out of it like they do in prison, and then poke them with it while they are trying to text. You have to hit them where it hurts. Fruit was obviously not enough of a threat but interrupting their texting put them on high alert.

I don't ask for much. I realize they are never going to change the toilet paper roll, that they are never going to carry their laundry upstairs without being hounded, and that trash day will always come as a complete surprise. But don't mess with my Pop Tarts...a woman can only take so much.

The Oscars

2011-02-28T06:16:00.000-08:00

I love the Oscars. It is a tradition in our household for my daughter and I to watch together so we can critique the outfits and the hair styles.

I just love to whole idea of dressing up and I don't think we do enough of it. After a certain age there are no more proms or formals and we all just sit around waiting to buy our mother of the bride/groom dresses.

I wish as a society we did more dressing up and less sweatpants. Don't get me wrong I love my sweatpants, but I wish we had more occasions to feel glamorous and a little bit special.

When is the last time you got all dressed up and went out on the town?

I Missed You...Where Are You Going?

2011-02-25T07:34:00.000-08:00

Last night my son Michael returned from visiting my brother in Nebraska. I was very excited because he was coming home a day early and I had missed him terribly. The house was just too quiet without him and his sidekick Zach.

At his request I had kept my texting to just below stalker status. I made sure to talk to him at least once a day so on Tuesday when the phone rang and it was him I was ecstatic. It only took me a few seconds to realize he had "butt dialed" me by accident. I guess two calls a day is just too much to expect from a 14 year old boy but a mother can dream, can't she?

As soon as he landed the texts started coming in. Every friend of his must have been on the Southwest website waiting for his arrival. Thank goodness they don't drive or he would have just bypassed me all together and gotten a ride from them.

He came home and chatted with his sister and me while responding to a million texts from friends. It wasn't long before I got the question I had been dreading, "Can I go to Zach's?" Every fiber of my being wanted to say "NO!!! I haven't seen you in a week." but I remember being his age and how important friends were so I let him go.

They grow up so fast. I remember having to buy a larger chair for our family room because Michael had to sit by me all the time. I can still see his little face pressed up against the window crying when I would leave for work.

So now I am the one looking out the window as he leaves and wishing I could have that little blonde haired boy back for just one night. I thought I was the master of enjoying whatever stage they were at but that was because I hadn't gotten to the stage where they drive away....

Talking To Teenagers....

2011-02-24T07:36:00.000-08:00

Over the past five years I have come to realize that teenagers require a different set of communication rules. With everyone else in my life I have the ability to have a conversation. I say what I would like to say and they listen. Then they say what they would like to say and I listen. That is how communication works...unless you are a teenager.

The only way a conversation will occur with your teen is if the topic involves their car, their plans, money or the mall. Otherwise you have about thirty seconds to make your point. For example this is the conversation I would have had with my son if his attention span would allow.

"Michael, do you know you have a C+ in Spanish?"

"Yea, the teacher doesn't teach it! I swear!"

"Well then maybe we should get you a tutor and you should spend some more time studying"

"I study all the time!"

"Really, because every time I come in your room you are playing X Box Live with the computer on your lap and your cell phone in your other hand!"

"No! I study all the time!

"Seriously? I don't even know what your Spanish book looks like!"

AND THIS IS WHERE HIS EYES WOULD GLAZE OVER AND HIS LISTENING WOULD COME TO A SCREECHING HALT.

"Michael, you know if you don't get a good base in Spanish I you will have much more difficulty in Spanish II and III which you will be required to take because your graduating class is the first one that is required to take three years of a foreign language. There will always be things that are difficult but you have to put forth more effort and keep your grades up. If you get Spanish over with before your junior you will have more time to focus on the ACT......."

That part of the conversation would go on for about ten more minutes before I ask him if he understands me and he nods with a dazed look on his face.

So knowing what I know about teens this was our actual conversation.

"Michael, did you know your Spanish grade sucks?"

"Yea, but..."

"Are you going to fix this or should I get involved?"

"No, I'll fix it"

"IF by chance you don't fix it, don't bother to ask to do anything outside the house during the school week, understand?

"Yea...sigh"

Of course you must have instilled a healthy fear of you actually carrying out the punishment but that is a topic for another blog.

So remember, you have thirty seconds to make your point. Practice with a stopwatch and choose your words carefully. Good luck!!!