Well we are back from New York and I will be posting all the fun stories tomorrow but for now I wanted to talk about my weekend. I made my first trip to my dad's house since the funeral and it was as terrible as I had imagined. When someone dies you are so busy with all the details and preparations that it is easy to consume yourself with these tasks. But now the thank you notes have been written and all that is left is to try to get used to a world without him in it. I remember watching Grey's Anatomy when George's dad died and Christina was telling him he was part of a new club, the "your dad is gone" club. Well, the club sucks!!!!! I go over in my head a million times a day how I could have not known how sick he was. Did I carelessly miss the signs? Should I have insisted he go to the Dr. for his back at Thanksgiving? I live in the land of what ifs and I wish I would haves. In my family I am the one who swoops in and takes care of everyone. That's my job. Tony is the funny one, grandmother is the worrier and I am the one that takes care of all the little details. I tried to get his MRI moved up but should I have just driven down there and made him go to the ER? I feel like I failed at my job. I just sat there and watched my knight in shining armour slip away and there was nothing I could do.

His house doesn't feel like home anymore. There are so many memories and they are so painful to remember that all I wanted to do was sleep the entire weekend. I just wanted to wake up and walk into the kitchen and laugh with him. I always remember laughing when I was with him. No matter how bad the situation we would always end up finding something funny. I know the day will come when I will be able to think back on all those great times and it won't feel like someone is stabbing me in the heart and I hope that day is very soon. I want to think of him without getting a lump in my throat. I want to feel normal again. I want to be the girl whose worst fear was being a member of that club instead of the girl who keeps waking up in her nightmare. I feel like I will never be the same and I guess I won't. I will always be walking around with this hole in my heart and wishing I could just hug him one more time. I have his Tennessee hat that he always wore and I allow myself one time a day to just hold it up and smell it. If I close my eyes it feels just like I am hugging him because the scent is so familiar and wonderful. My dad was very particular about his appearance and always smelled of cologne. When I was a little girl and he was getting ready for work he would always say to me "I can't wait until tomorrow" and I would always ask "why" and he would say "cause I get better looking every day" . He would smile and I would laugh but deep down I thought it was true. I thought he did get better looking everyday.

I pray that my kids enjoy and love me 1/10 as much as I did him. He made me feel pretty and smart and funny just by looking at me with that twinkle in his eye. Really what more can you ask from your daddy?

Puke, Plays and Purses

Well welcome to my 100th post. And you said it wouldn't last. Well, actually I said it wouldn't laugh but anyway....

We spent the past weekend in New York. It began with the plane ride from hell on Thursday. It was uneventful until the landing. During the descent the wind caused it to feel like a tilt-a-whirl and a roller coaster ride that lasted about twenty minutes. It ended with me puking into a pretty blue bag. When Michael and Ashley saw me puke they puked and we were just one big puking family. Except for Steve...he never joins us in our motion sickness.

After landing we headed to our hotel. We stayed at the downtown Sheraton Towers and it was beautiful. They had those big comfy beds and pillows that I just love. Too bad that by the time we got into them at night we passed out before we could enjoy them.

The first night we saw Shrek. It was very funny and entertaining and we everyone loved it. When I say everyone I mean the 24 teenagers and the 10 adults. Quite a crowd to keep track of on the streets as you can imagine.

Day 2

Michael and I stayed back because he and another student weren't feeling well due to a bad cold and I had a sinus headache. There will be a entire blog dedicated in the future about why you have to carry every drug you own when you travel. The choir went to the Today Show and according the them Matt Lauer didn't even ask where I was. I found that very troubling but moved forward. After the Today Show they traveled on the subway to the United Nations to perform. They were amazing as always and all the Japanese tourists just had to take their picture. Unfortunately they also felt the need to be in the picture so the keep coming up and standing beside the choir director during the performance.

After performing we all spent the afternoon

Taking a bite out of the big Apple

The family and I (along with 34 other people) are headed to New York tomorrow morning at 6:40 a.m.. I personally think it should be illegal to fly before nine but what do I know?

This is a choir trip for my daughter and it is going to be jam packed. I was really looking forward to it before my dad died but now I seem to just want to be alone most of the time which I think will be hard to do on this trip. We are going to see four Broadway plays and the kids are performing at the UN as well as one of the big Catholic churches and are attending a Broadway workshop. I am looking most forward to buying the illegal knock off purses from the backrooms in Chinatown. I can't wait to haggle in two different languages and come out on top.

I must close now and resume packing...which means I am going to try to stuff everything I own into one suitcase and still have it weigh under 55 pounds. I would probably have better luck turning water into wine but wish me luck anyway...