Well, now I have been poked...

on face book that is. The one and only positive thing that has happened to me lately is that at my dad's funeral I reconnected with several of my old friends from high school. They told me to get on face book and we could stay in touch. While it is fun to see their families, face book is a whole new world for me to navigate. So far I have been poked, hugged, invited to join causes and ask if I want a viritual garden. Let me tell you that I absolutely do not want to any "viritual weeding".

I started out by making some friend requests. That seems like an iffy thing because at this point in my life when I have one leg over the balcony I really didn't think I could face rejection. The good news is that all my old friends felt I was worthy of at least a click of the mouse to answer my friend request. The bad news is Michael , my own flesh and blood that I spent 12 hours in labor with , ignored my request. He informed me that "he didn't want me all up in his business". At 12 do you really have that much business? I informed him that he was much to young to have business. Heck, I am 43 and I would kill for some "business". I find it difficult to answer the question on face book of "Kim is...." I don't think people really want to hear that I am in my pj's at five p.m. or that I am watching reruns. Now I have to find something interesting to do everyday so I can fill in that blank. I don't know how long I can endure this pressure of having to have a life.

Grief is a lonely thing....

because no one does it the same. I call my family to check on them but sometimes those conversations depending on their grief level at that moment can prove most difficult. Everyday I get up and try to start my day. All I really want to do is curl up and sleep because when I am sleeping dad's death is put on hold. I can slip into the abyss of darkness and for eight or so hours I can rest. But inevitably I awaken and the reality hits me like a punch to the stomach. When that happens I try to quickly close my eyes and escape back into the slumber but it does not happen. I awaken to a world without him and must begin the act of living the day. Yesterday I took my kids and a friend to the mall. The mall is a taxing place with teenagers on a good day but yesterday was especially difficult. I just wanted to be somewhere quiet and alone, and the mall is not a place for solitude. By the time I got home I was about ready to jump out of my skin. By evening I found myself huddled in the guest bath on the floor sobbing with my trusted dog by my side. I remember people saying that when the hustle and bustle of the funeral is over that the really hard part begins and I believe that now to be true. I hope you will all continue to pray for me and my family.

Life will never be the same

I am trying to come to grips that life as I knew it ended when my dad died. I am no longer anyone's little girl. I have no one to call and tell my car,kid, husband troubles to and after he finished laughing he would guide me toward the wisest path. I have no one that thinks no matter how many stupid mistakes I make that I am still smart and special. I wish I could see the twinkle in his eyes when I walked into the room. That look that said come on over here girl, I want to hear all about everything. And talk about everything we did from the economy to the latest questions I had from my girlfriends on why their husbands do the things they do. Even if the answer was as simple as "because they can" that was enough to get us all laughing.

Mostly I just miss being daddy's girl. We had it all planned out that he was going to live to about 100 and I would find him a great nursing home. It had to have a window with a squirrel feeder outside the window an a doctor's order for a whiskey and coke if needed. I was so looking forward to having at least twenty more years with him and now that is all gone. Will my heart ever start hurting? Will this pit in my stomach go away ? He was a man that found joy so easily in his everyday life will he help me find a way somehow? I miss him so much that it is all I can do to get out of bed in the morning and shower. That seems like about all Iam capable of right now. But I know I have kids an a husband that need me to be back to normal so I am trying . but really all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry.

Good-by dad.

On January 31, 2008 my father passed away. We were all with him all night and had time to say goodbye but having the time and wanting it to be are too different things. In the next few weeks I will posting lots of blogs about my dad. Right now the pain is too raw and just typing the words above took me a very long time. He was one of my very best friends and I will love and miss him every day for the rest of my life. As is typically redneck family fashion there are many stories from the two funerals and happenings. That is the thing I love about my family. I will share as soon as I can. Please pray for my family as we are mourning the loss of a great man, father , husband ,brother , son, and papaw.