Making a list...

Since my last two blogs have been a tad on the whiney and complaining side I was thinking back to the early years and were they really any easier than things today. I remember when the kids were little all my patients used to say "Enjoy them...these are the best years of your life." To which I would reply "Please , just shot me now." You know the fatigue of toddlers , the contstant needs, yadda yadda yadda. Well I was thinking back to one of my worst days as a new parent. It went something like this.

It is 7:30 in the morning and I am getting ready for work. Ashley is three and I am certain in the last six months has been possessed by the devil or at the very least a smaller version of Roseanne. She was defiant and stubborn and on my very last nerve. I am nine months pregnant and getting ready for work. As I brush my teeth that familiar wave of nauseous hits . I say familiar because basically I had thrown up for the past nine months. As I am throwing up I wet my pants. Apparently the degree at which I was hurling along with being nine months pregnant had rendered me incontinent. So just so you have the mental picture, I am hugging the toilet, fat , throwing up , peeing my pants and I look like a rabid dog because of the toothpaste. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse Ashley yells from my bed "shut the door , I can't hear Barney!!" Well that was the last straw. I came out of the bedroom crying, foaming at the mouth and reking of vomit and urine. That is when the real fun began. I was greeted by my husband and when I hysterically told him I was at my limit and I could not make it thru another day her looked at me and said " Well, maybe if you were more organized your life would be easier. You know make lists of what you need to do , etc." That was when I became eerily calm. Yes, he was right a list was exactly what I needed. So mentally I began to make my first list. It was titled things I will need to kill my husband and dispose of this body. Things like rope , a bag of lime , something to move the body with or an accomplice because any exertion was apparently rendering me incontinent and a trial of urine would most likey have DNA in it. And you know what he was right. I did feel better already. Just mentally making the list was gave me a sense of calm and I must say excitement. No longer was I the punking , incontinent woman but a woman with a plan, a mission, something to look forward to . No longer was I the overwhelmed puking housewife but I would be a hero in the world of moms and professional organizers. I could hear them now telling their husbands, "Don't make me go Kim Eller on you" and the organizers would be on HGTV talking about what an effeicient list make I was.

Now as you all know I did not kill my husband. Mainly on that day because I was too darn tired to carry out my plan. Life did get easier and I gave birth to Michael shortly after. Ashley's head stopped spinning around and she could hear Barney. I found the strength to muddle thru many more days involving bodily fluids, possessed toddlers and a husband that thought all my problems could be solved wit a Franklin Planner.

Mid-life crisis...

Ugh!!! I am facing the cold hard fact that I can't be a geriatric therapist forever. I know that in my 60's I won't be able to transfer a 300 lb. stroke patient or be on my feet eight hours a day. This is very hard for me to swallow and has left me very depressed. I love my patients and I love the difference I can make in their lives. Recently I had a patient that was in his late fifties. Retired and sick with a blown out knee. His number one goal was to be able to walk his daughter down the aisle. After three months of hard work his dream came true. It was so funny to help him get ready for the big night. We got his hair all done then he got in this tux. I don't know who was more nervous him or us but we all managed to get him primped and out the door. He said it was one of the greatest nights of his life and I felt so privileged to be a part of it. How can I give that up? I just want to keep making a difference. I want to touch people's lives and know that somehow I made it better if just for a short time. I know life changes and we have to adjust our dreams as well but for the moment I am just a little sad.

Pass the bottle, please!!

Recently I have added yet another item to my list of things that are getting on my last nerve. Several years ago the beverage industry introduced the concept of bottled water. We all laughed and joked about next they would be bottling air and thought nothing of it. A couple of years later my kids think if we are out of bottled water that the world would most likely come to an end with us all withering away from dehydration. Fast forward to 2008 when we are all addicted to the pure clear sparkly water and can't leave home without it. Suddenly we are all awful people for polluting the environment with all those empty bottles of water ( or at my house half empty and discarded). Have you seen the commercial with the lady drinking bottled water in her car while the announcer in his voice of doom says "forty five minutes in the car, forty years in the landfill..." I didn't want to start drinking the stupid stuff to begin with and now that I am hooked they tell me I am taking fresh air from my future grandchildren by drinking and God forbid disposing of the bottle. Isn't that kind of like your crack dealer wearing a JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS t-shirt?

Why don't you use the plastic re-usable bottles Kim? Well apparently they have some chemical in them that will alter your hormones. Trust me, a peri-menopausal woman doesn't need anything else screwing with her hormones. Now I have to check the 200 free bottles we have been given from every known advertising source to see if they have a seven on the bottom. Not to keep dwelling on my age but the seven is the same color as the bottle and about 1/4 of an inch tall which means in order to keep from poisoning my family I have to find my reading glasses. Now between the guilt of my future grandchildren suffocating, my plastic affected hormones and my frustration at not being able to see OR find my reading glasses I need a ...you guessed it , a drink. I think I will just go for the vodka encased in the ever recyclable glass. The bonus is if I buy it in a big enough container and I can empty it and use it to save change for my grandchildren..I say problem solved.

Back in school....ugh!!!

The kids are back in school full swing and for the very first time in my career as a mother I was sad to see them go. When they were smaller and much more labor intensive, I used to say my favorite color was school bus yellow and the most lovely site in September was the back of their little heads. But things change and now that they can pour their own milk and sleep past 8:00 o'clock I have grown quite fond of summer. I love that on the days I work I can go in after I have all their social arrangements made and work as late as I want. I love that you may find us at the Dairy Queen drive thru at 10:00 p.m. in our pj's ordering ice cream. We watch movies, hang out with friends, we bowled every Wednesday with our best buddies the Cozarts ( you will remember Rachel from the tragic break up blog but all is well now, they're best friends.), we traveled, watched Michael play baseball, Ashley took private vocal lessons and we just had fun. My kids are growing in to great people that I truly love to be around. Please don't start throwing up yet, Tara, there are times that I still think they need killin' but overall they are turning out all right. Plus, as my dad says now they have gotten too big to bury in the backyard so I'm stuck with them. So now instead of counting the days until school starts I am counting the days until they are out again. The time will fly with sport and musicals and finals....oh my!! and before long we will be back in our pjs enjoying our ice cream.