M & M's melt in your mouth...

not in your hand, but they will melt on your butt if your seat heater is on. Why Kim....How do you know this to be true you ask? I know this because I walked around Michael's birthday party with a big poopy looking smear across my not so attractive butt. Did I mention they were the new dark chocolate kind? If this had happened to JLo the cute butt could have outweighed the smear but no such luck for me. I had been at the party for about an half hour when I went back out to the car to get the candles for the cake. I hit unlock, opened the door and noticed a melted green M & M smeared across my seat. It took me about 15 seconds to realize that the rest of the gooey mess was implanted on my butt. At this point I did the dreaded reach back and sure enough felt what was left of the green candy. Now I know what they say about green M & M's but trust me having sex was the last thing on my mind. As I looked up I locked eyes with Ashley and she began to laugh hysterically. This could be my out I think. If she laughs enough she could pee her pants and distract from my poo looking stain. No such luck. Not only did she not pee her pants but she heckled me all the way into the bathroom. Now the next description is not for the faint of heart. I found myself on a very frigid Saturday morning in a bathroom stall at the All Star Bowling Lanes holding my jeans in my hands. All that remained on my lower body was high heel black boots and bright red underwear. I bought the bright and gawdy underwear to insure it would not be stolen by my daughter and as a result there I stood dressed like a middle aged stripper. Well a middle aged nerdy stripper because I had my handy dandy Tide to go pen. I real stripper would have had something much more interesting in her bag, I 'm sure of it. After much scrubbing the stain disappeared and I was left with a big wet spot. I would have dried it with the hand dryer but that would have meant taking the stripper look public and there were children present so I endured. I have decided that I will no longer ear chocolate in the car during the winter. This will stop this from happening again and hopefully make my butt more "scandal ready" just in case. Wish me luck!!11

You can't GIVE play dough away

Recently I decided to clean out my over the counter medicine cabinet. You can only catch so many bottles of Robitussin before your luck runs out so it was definitely time. In the process of cleaning I came across a tote on the top shelf of play dough and cookie cutters. I was saving it just in case we ever needed to entertain unexpected toddlers. Considering the fact that at this stage in my life I try to avoid toddlers I thought giving it away would be a safe move.

I took the huge bag of play dough and various paraphernalia to work. I envisioned someone snatching it up with a look of glee in their eyes. They would take it home and spend hours of quality time with their children and fondly think of me. I could not have been more delusioned. All I heard was how it gets in your carpet and it makes a mess, blah , blah, blah..... What was wrong with these people? The memory I conjured up when I smelled that familiar Play dough smell was of Ashley and Michael making pretend cookies. But after some reflection I came out of la-la land and remembered that it does make a mess and it would drive me crazy when they would mix the colors or let it harden. Ok, maybe an entire bag of it wasn't such a prize. Maybe I was becoming one of those annoying people that only remember the precious moments and not the chaos that drove me to drinking wine out of a sippy cup. I hope not. I want to be able to console Ashley when she is a mom and calls telling me she is about to lose her mind. I'll be able to tell her about the time I smelled the Play dough and the chaos was not the first thing I thought about.

Special thanks to Sonya, the co-worker that took my donation. She is an aunt not a mom so she will have a blast!!!!!

Abercrombie & Wench update

When my faithful and loving parents got to the store that was 90 miles from their home the jacket that Kit-Kat refused to hold was the WRONG jacket. It did not have a hood. The hood is apparently a necessity for Michael. Needless to say I was not very happy. When I am old I am going to pull up my support hose and grab my black patent leather purse and hunt down Kit Kat. I will then proceed to beat her with the purse until my hose are sagging. I figure my age will garner sympathy with the jury especially if they have ever been in the dark and deafening dungeon Abercrombie calls a store. Ya'll pray for Kit Kat....

Huckabee

I just want to state right now for the record that I do not wish to live in a country where the president's name is Huckabee. That is just wrong. I can't even take that name seriously during the primaries much less as the leader of the free world. President Huckabee just doesn't sound presidential and I am not ashamed to admit that I don't wish for other countries to heckle us more than they do now over this name. We need a president that will demand respect and Hillbilly Huckabee is not going to cut it.

And did I see on the news that Hillary was tearing up while talking to voters? There's no crying in the presidency. You don't get to appear weak and caring. We don't want you to cry with us, just fix the country so we don't have to cry. Dry it up , Hillary!!!!!! before Obama gives you something to really cry about.

Abercrombie & Wench

Michael's birthday is coming up on the 16th and as usual there is the after Christmas scramble for the perfect present. This year he had his eye set on a hooded fur lined sweatshirt from Abercrombie and Fitch. As I began looking for this item I realized very quickly that is was sold out just about everywhere. Never one to be defeated I called every store within 200 miles of myself and my parents in Southern Indiana searching. I called Keystone at the Crossing and got Kat. I asked for a hooded fur lined sweatshirt. I know for sure that is what I asked for because it was approximately the 40th time I had said it in the past hour. She looked and informed me that they did have one in Michael's size. Overcome with joy I asked her if she could hold it for a couple of hours while my parents drove up there. It is about a 90 mile trip one way. Uh, we have a no hold policy. Oh, really well could you just lay it aside for an hour or two just so their trip wouldn't be in vain. No, they have a no hold policy. All righty then. I called my parents who eagerly agreed to drive and get the sweatshirt for their only grandson and they started out. I call Kat again to explain they were on their way and to ask the closest entrance to their store. She told me and then stated once again that she would not hold the coat. No problem I said they are on their way. After speaking with my parents again they asked if there was anything else Michael would like from that store. I mentioned a few things but I knew finding these specific items would be difficult. You guessed I call Little Miss Customer Service 2008, Kat and spoke with her again. I explained that my parents had no idea what her store or merchandise looked like. I ask if she could write down these two other items and point them out to them when they came in. "We don't uh like do that." she said. What do you mean I said you don't write or you don't point? I was confused. I had already found out they don't hold items, that you can't pay for them by credit card and have someone pick them up, you can't pay for them and have them shipped and they would not transfer them between stores. Now I was being told they don't write or point either. Wow we should all get a job there. All we would have to do is listen to really loud music all day and when a customer calls just say we don't do that. I think the next time one of my stroke patients falls in the parallel bars I'll just look down when they ask for help and say Uh, sorry we don't do that. Do you think my boss would like that ?

Now don't get me wrong, if they have told brainless Kat that there is a no hold policy and she has retained that complex piece of information I am sure management feels they have accomplished quite a task. Maybe they just haven't gotten around to writing and pointing yet. I mean seriously she was only the assistant manager. You can't rush that middle management training.

I just hope that one day my little Kit Kat will have a life, kids, job,husband and a dog to manage everyday and some little twerp treats her with the same disrespect I received. I 'll do my best to make sure she remembers me because I am going call every number I can find at Abercrombie and congratulate them on being so successful that they don't need to bother with customer service. I'll remind them that in my day there was a company that thought they were "all that" . It was Levi Strauss. I'm not sure but I think my dad is the only one that still wears them now.

Steven Grant

I know , I know I haven't blogged since December 10. All your heckling and snide remarks are noted. You'll be happy to know that I am back in the groove and have many things this new year to blog. As soon as I pick up my disc from CVS I will do a long and boring blog about our Christmas vacation. You'll all be thrilled I'm sure.

I wanted to mention something before it leaves the headlines. How in the world did Steven Grant fight with his wife, knock her down, kill her and drag her into the car ,much of which occurred while he was naked and not wake up his children? Don't get me wrong, I pray that he has the only two kids in the world that can sleep thru all that but I just can't imagine it. When my kids were that age I didn't even flush the toilet past bedtime because just the water running thru the pipes would cost me twenty minutes in "I need a drink, tuck me in yada yada yada..." Steve wouldn't have had time to kill me because the kids never left us alone long enough. Most intimate moments occurred with Michael looking thru the keyhole giggling and saying "I can see you". That is precisely why we didn't have a third child.

I hope today that the judge really makes a decision that will help the children heal and move forward to as close to a normal life as possible. May all the sounds they hear in the night be normal and happy ones.