Little Johnny

Steve , Michael and I took a trip to Bloomington, IN recently to attend the IU/Purdue football game. We had a great time and Michael got to rush the field after an exciting 27-24 victory. Needless to say all the students were partying and having a great time.

After the game my dad was meeting us so I went to the front of the parking lot to escort him back to our tailgating area. While standing there I found myself hugged and straddled by a very drunk college guy ( we will call him little Johnny) who began to profess his love for me. I gently removed his appendages from my body took his face in my hands explaining slowly that he was very drunk and I was a forty year old woman. This did not seem to phase him and he continued to insist that he loved me. I turned to his buddy and told him to get him home before he got in trouble and they proceeded to cross the busy street. Little Johnny had a little trouble judging distances which lead to him being in the spotlight of two headlights. This did not phase little Johnny as he began to gyrate in the street with the head lights and the driver glaring at him. He crossed the street and jumped on a trampoline in front of an apartment building. It was surrounded by parked cars. As I waited for little Johnny's head to become impaled in one of the windshields a thought crossed my mind. Somewhere little Johnny has a mother. She is most likely home reading since she can't afford to socialize because she is paying college tuition for little Johnny. I could imagine her staring fondly into the distance thinking of how proud she is of Little Johnny. I could hear her bragging to her friends, "My Little Johnny is at Indiana University. We are so proud of him. He is quite the student and from the sounds of things he has made lots of friends."

I don't know what happened to little Johnny but I searched to paper the next day for fatalities and found none. I wish I had gotten his real name because I fear one day I will be in need of a doctor and it will turn out to be little Johnny. I just hope he cares as much about me then as he did Saturday night.

Cleaning for the cleaning lady!! HELP!!

Every four weeks I have two ladies that come to my house and clean. It is wonderful and I love it but it also stresses me out. I spend all day cleaning up for the cleaning ladies. Am I crazy?

If you remember this is the lady that told me my kitchen rug was ugly and needed to be replaced so I am somewhat concerned about her judging me. I don't know why I care but I do. I just spent all morning straightening up and hiding clutter that I will never be able to find again. Papers will be lost forever, receipts will be discarded and dirty laundry will be hidden in my closet. I hide it there so she won't think my laundry room is a mess. Because I have thrown away the receipts I will now be judged by the clerk at the Service desk at Target because I don't have a receipt. I think I need an anonymous cleaning crew so I don't think about about my shower scum or my dust bunnies. I can just pretend that they think "why does she need us this house looks great". What makes us so crazy that we can't just let it be? I have gotten better over the years. I allow my friends in my house to view the "non-perfect" life we lead but I just can't let the cleaning lady know. I mean it should be obvious to her that I don't have time to deep clean or I wouldn't have hired her. In a way my clutter should be considered her job security, don't you think? By not being a neat freak I am probably allowing her to put her brilliant children thru college and they will become doctors and cure some horrific disease. If only I could clean as well as I rationalize I could have been shopping all morning. Oh well.....

No speak English???

Please, please , please could someone explain to me why the managers of fast food restaurants put people at the drive thru window that can not SPEAK ENGLISH? This is one of life's greatest mysteries if you ask me. I don't understand why when I ask for a straw or sweet and low that they look at me like I am crazy. It's not like I am asking for a fluent conversation with the person , just a straw. I think they think if they just keep looking at be with a blank stare on their face that I will eventually drive away. Oh, my little Spanish speaking friend you are very wrong. I have gone to great lengths to help them figure out the one of five words they need to know and they just end up getting the manager. He then looks at me like I am being a real inconvenience because I don't want to suck my diet coke out of the little square on the lid. I guess I am going to have to make picture cards to hold up when they have left a necessary item out of my bag.

I am not saying that if you don't speak English that you shouldn't be able to work. Trust me, I have run into many English speaking people that have no business interacting with the public. I just think if you are going to stand and hand me food out the window and make $10/.00 an hour doing it you should go home and learn FIVE English words. If you can learn paycheck you can learn ketchup. Really, am I being unreasonable?

While we are on the subject of drive thrus why do they offer a braille menu at the drive thru window? Personally if you need a braille menu and you are driving you have bigger problems that which sandwich you want.

West Side Story

Yesterday I spent the day at school helping out with the Walled Lake Centrals production of West Side Story. Some of the moms supplied dinner for the kids because rehearsal ran from 2 p.m. until 8 p.m.. We got to go in and watch some of the rehearsal and I was amazed at the quality and talent of the production. I definitely know for sure that we made the right decision in sending Ashley to this school and she is loving the whole production process. To see your child happy pursuing their passion is such a privilege that I was really overwhelmed to tears. I am also peri-menopausal so it could be that as well. She's just a freshman in the chorus so just imagine how "tore down" I'll be if she gets a lead in a future play. Valium drip, here I come.

The other disturbing thing about seeing her all grown-up is that pretty soon I am going to need to get a life. I am so used to Ashley and I being joined at the hip that I must admit I am a little lost with her being away from home every night. She and I have always been so close and spent so much time together that I can't imagine what I'll do now that she is getting a life of her own. Personally, I think that is very rude of her to move one and leave me behind after I have given her the best years of my life but she seems unfazed by my dilemma.

So now I am accepting applications for a new buddy to hang out with. The requirements are as follows:

1. You must not be appalled to see me in my pajamas with my hair in a clip.

2. You must love movies and not have so much integrity that you won't sneak your own snacks into the theatre in my big pink purse.

3. You must be able to listen to our new favorite song over and over until we are both ready to move on.

4. A sense of humor is a must . If you can't help me point out who should or should not be wearing a tank top in a crowd you will be of no help to me.

5. You must understand that I am addicted to diet coke. I don't really like to call it an addiction but rather a love. A understanding that I must have at least one McDonald's diet coke with extra ice each day will make our lives much easier. This requirement is why Steve is not being considered for the position.

6. Know that I have already been to therapy so there is no need to bring it up again.

7. I am according to Tara "freakishly close" to my family. When I call my brother to get the name of a song I heard on the radio or can't figure out where my parents could be for any length of time longer than an hour without my knowledge, there will be no rolling of the eyes on your part.

8. You must understand that I have not at the time of this posting found the perfect purse and will continue looking until this goal is accomplished. This requirement is why Michael is not being considered for the position.

If you would like to apply , just let me know. I look forward to sneaking contraband candy into the movies in my pjs with you very soon!!!

Urgent information for you ladies!!!

I received an e-mail recently about everything you need to do if your wallet or purse is stolen. It has some really good information and it reminded me that as adults we all need to be prepared for emergencies. I think most of us are doing o.k., I mean we change our smoke detectors batteries, carry life insurance and have emergency funds. We carry hand sanitizer, teach our children not to ride with strangers and lock our doors at night. With all that said I think there are two areas where as females we are lacking. Ladies, that's why I am here. Trust me one day you'll thank me.

First of all go right now and find the photo of yourself that you like the very best. The one where you look great and are in your favorite outfit and all is right with the world. It can't involve alcohol or ex-boyfriends that 's the only rule. Now take out an envelope, put the picture inside and mark it "PHOTO TO BE USED ON THE NEWS IF EVER NEEDED". Every time I see a missing woman or wanted woman on the news I can tell some man randomly picked that photo out of the junk drawer. She probably placed it there because it was too hideous to put in an album in the first place. Now it is plastered all over the news and in print and everyone thinks that is what she looked like. One poor lady had her Disney vacation picture flashed. Y'all know that the mom always looks like a haggard pack mule in those photos. I have pictures of me that are so bad that I truly believe the people in the search parties would just give up and go for coffee. I think it is a scientific fact that they look harder for cute people. You must complete this at once and put it in a safe spot or better yet give it to your best friend. She'll know what to do.

While you have your best friend there picking up your photo it is time to complete your second task. Sit down with her , pour a cup of coffee and make a solemn promise to each other that if you are ever incapacitated for any length of time you will pluck each others chin hairs. C'mon you know we get them. I don't know about you but mine go from non-existent to longer than my bangs in about two days time. After the promise has been secured you can discuss trivial things like keeping you toenails painted and what size they should let you wither away to before they pull the plug. But the chin hair plucking is a deal breaker. If she won't agree to carry out the job, that take your emergency photo back and keep looking. Anyone that won't pluck your chin hairs in a crisis can't be trusted. Any woman over forty that says she doesn't have any is just lying. Either way she not worthy of the position of emergency photo trustee.

Frankly I don't care if the smoke detector is beeping or Michael is licking the handrail at the movies, when Ruth Spencer says "Missing Commerce Township woman , Kim Eller..." I want to look good!!!

Gimme A T!!!

Sorry it has been so long since my last blog but I have been very sick with a sinus infection that was followed by a terrible cold. You know the kind that moves from one side of you nose to the other. You wake up and can't breathe and sound like Darth Vader. Steve was out of town but I know my children were very worried about me because they would stand by my bed with much concern and say things like "I don't have any clean jeans" and "we are out of Captain Crunch". Trust me they looked very worried. I am sure they were just transferring their concern for my well being into trivial matters such as a cereal shortage.

I ventured out to Meijer for Captain Crunch and any and all the .over the counter drugs that would offer relief to my misery. As luck would have it my Meijer has a Starbucks and I thought that a nice cup of hot tea with honey might just insure my survival during this outing. I walked up and with a voice cluttered with mucous said I would like a small hot tea. This is how it played out.

Kim: I would like a hot tea, please ....HACK, Cough!!!!

Snotty Starbuck Girl (SSG): What kind of tea?

Kim: I just want plain tea...Hack!

SSG: We don't have regular tea but we have ....see goes on to name 24 different varieties all with different colors and names like Green Tea Zen.

Kim: Just give me the basic tea. SNEEZE

SSG: We don't have basic tea you have to pick one. (eyes rolling)

Kim: I don't know which one I want!!! UGH don't you just have Lipton like tea.
At this time the mother behind me is covering her kids with hand sanitizer and saying " Step away from that lady". Apparently I am now a leper with no Starbucks finesse.
SSG: No, (sighing) you will have to step aside and chose a tea. NEXT!!

I am now standing in front of the squillon types of tea about to hack up a lung when I spot a familiar name. EARL GREY. Now I have no idea what color it is because I am thinking it isn't gray but I chose it and move on.

SSG: You want Earl Grey?

Kim: Yes,I say proudly and please add honey.

I was so excited to have made the choice and so eager to calm my aching throat that I took a big gulp. You guessed it......my entire tongue and throat were scalded. I look over to see SSG smiling. Screw the Captain Crunch I am going home.