I miss my ribs!!!

Things I miss about being young

1. I miss my ribs and my hip bones. I didn't give them the reverence they deserved when I could see them and now it's too late. I fear they are gone forever.

2. I miss my breasts being in the same spot all the time. I now know why God created armpits....that's where your breasts go when you lie on your back after you turn forty.

3. I miss being able to bound out of bed. Ok, for those of you that know me know that I never bounded out of bed but it was because I love to sleep and not because my joints wouldn't cooperate.

4. I miss being able to stay up past eleven o'clock and not feel like I have been run over by a Mac truck the next day.

5. I miss being able to read small print without squinting and holding it three feet from my face.

6. I miss eating spicy foods and not worrying about GAS!! Did I have gas before 40? If so I don't remember it being so "prevalent".

7. I miss Steve being the only one in the house with the potential for a mustache.

8. I miss my original hair color. Whatever that was.

9. I miss my kids thinking I was smart and wonderful all the time.

10. I miss believing my parents would live forever.

11. I miss thinking I had all the answers all the time.

These are just a few of the things I miss. Some of them I could get back with a huge amount of money and a good plastic surgeon. Others are gone forever. But I will keep squinting, limping and coloring and be thankful my list is only eleven items long.

Ashley rode in the car with a

BOY!! Yes, you read it right and if you feel just a little nauseous then you are taking it better than I did. It all started last Friday night ( you remember, date night with the pimp?) when I was getting ready to go to dinner with Michael. I was in my bathroom getting ready and in pops Ashley. "Hey, I just ran home to get my cell phone." she stated like it was no big deal. It took a minute for it to register that she was supposed to be at musical practice and she does not drive. When I asked her how she got home she said, "Oh, Spitter drove me." (Spitter's real name is Tyler but he got that nickname when the hose broke at the choir car wash and I told him just to spit shine the hood of my van and he did) After what seemed like an eternity sitting on the side of the tub I yelled to her that I needed clarification. Well, apparently Spitter wanted to go home and SHAVE before the choir lock in that night and he offered to give her a ride home to get her phone. It was getting worse!!!! She was riding in a car with a person that evidently had a five o'clock shadow.!!!! I calmly explained to her that she should always call and ask first before she got into the car with anyone other than her parents. She explained to me that she couldn't call because DUH she had left her cell phone at home. With this she turned and walked out of my bathroom and left with a man named Spitter with a beard. I didn't stop her because this was uncharted territory for me. Was I being over protective? Tyler-Spitter is a great kid. I know this because I did a background check at the lock in that could only be compared with and FBI background check. Even though he's a great kid, I felt panicked just like the night I gave birth and her first day of school. I knew that from the moment I gave birth I could no longer protect her from the outside world and when she started kindergarten I knew that my days of making all the choices of snacks , play dates and views of the world were over. A big part of me doesn't ever want her to ride in a car with a boy. I don't want her to have her heart broken or face grown up choices. If I had it my way she would be five and we would stay home every night and I would be brushing her long curly hair while we watched Cinderella. Now I know it was just a ride home but for me it was a big deal. Y'all stick with me because if and when her dad let's her date I will be needing a Valium drip.

My son wants to be a pimp!!!

Last Friday Michael and I had a date night. He wanted to go shopping for his Halloween costume so we hit Halloween USA. The only problem was Michael wanted to be a gangster/pimp. Please see previous post regarding my son's delusion that he is a black rapper.

After several stores and one silver necklace with a dollar sign that spins around I concluded that they don't make gangster costumes in his size because he is TOO YOUNG TO BE A PIMP/GANGSTER!! This took much convincing on my part especially after he had the spinning dollar sign necklace. It was a long tedious process to find the perfect costume after I squashed his hopes of being the pimp. Really what compares with a purple velvet jacket trimmed in leopard? Not much! Every costume was either "gay" or "babyish" Finally after my blood sugar had dropped to about five (we had to shop BEFORE dinner, duh.) and I had listened to the creepy sounds soundtrack about twenty times he found something he could be happy wearing. Are you ready for this? He is the Burger King man. You know the guy that wear the fur lined outfit and the crown at Burger King? That's my boy! We went from Yo Dog to Would you like fries with that which made me very happy. I just hope he doesn't grow up to live out either dream. Keep your fingers crossed.

Miles to empty...

I have a Chrysler van that has a great feature. It has a button that you can push that tells you how many miles you have until your tank is empty. Isn't that great? I love it even more now that I have found that it has multiple usages.

First, it can be used to make your husband's hair turn gray. I believe that when it registers zero that you really have at least twenty miles left before you actually run out of gas. I know lots of engineers and they are all way to anal not to build in a little cushion to the system. I have tested this theory and have found it to be true. My husband on the other hand does not subscribe to my way of thinking. When he gets into my van on Sunday night to make his weekly run to fill it up he becomes very "concerned" about the zero. This is how I use "miles to empty" to make my husband's hair turn just a shade lighter.

The second way I use it is to threaten and warn my children. When they were smaller I used to say "I'm about ready to leave my body" to signal to them that I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I don't lose my temper very often but every now and then I reach my breaking point. Now that I have miles to empty I just threaten "I am going buy a diet coke as big as my left leg, grab my i-pod , and start driving until I am out of miles to empty!!!!!!" I imagine them both standing there hungry and in dirty clothes wondering how they will ever make it without dear old mom. I admit that the vision of these pitiful children brings a moment or two of joy to my heart as I revel in their sadness Oh, they'll be sorry they didn't (insert task here), when good ole mom is jamming to Rascal Flatts and sipping on her diet coke driving far away from the drudgery of her mundane life. That was my belief however until I used it on Michael the other day and he pushed the button and it said "13 miles to empty". He smiled and said " you won't even make it to Twelve Oaks". I guess I can only make those threats at the beginning of the week.

Homecoming -Isn't she lovely?

We all my observations about the Homecoming dance I forgot to blog about the most important one...that my daughter is a beautiful young woman. When I look at her I am always amazed at the person she is becoming. I keep thinking that I am going to blink and she'll be gone to college and my best friend will no longer be there to watch movies with or laugh at life. Since the day she was born we have had a very special bond and I know even when she is away we will always be close. But for now I am going to enjoy watching her enjoy being a freshman and looking so beautiful. The picture is at the end of the page because I have yet to master inserting the picture into the actual blog post. Enjoy!!!

Observations of a High School Dance

I spent Saturday evening as a chaperon for the Central High School Homecoming dance. I t was fun to see the kids all dressed up and trying to be sophisticated but it left me with a lingering question. So I took a little walk down memory lane and dug out my old high school yearbook for research. I wanted to know if there was a much cleavage in my high school as there was at my daughter Ashley's. I surmised that there was not as much cleavage and those few who were "blessed" when to great lengths to hide them. Let me tell you those days are gone. Girls, if your breasts have their own zip code you should never wear a strapless dress. Your breasts are like deadbeat relatives...they need a lot of support . This was just one of the observations I made during my time at the dance. Here are the others:

1. Gyrating + strapless dresses = trouble
2. There is not enough AXE body spray in the state of Michigan to cover up the sweat of 300 adolescent boys.

3. No girl should spend over 20 dollars on her shoes because every girl I
saw was barefooted.

4. A necktie tied around your forehead does not make you more attractive to the opposite sex. Also, if you borrowed the tie from you dad you should really advise him to have it dry cleaned. Trust me it won't occur to him that you tied it around your head as a sweatband during the course of the evening.

5. A baseball cap in NEVER considered in any way a part of semi-formal attire. I don't care what your "homies" tell you.

6. Several of you girls must live very close to the school. I know this because you would have had to walk to the dance because there is no way you could have sat down in those dresses. Hint: That is why they have chairs in the dressing rooms. Sit in them, and if you can see your panties so can everyone else. They don't become magically invisible the night of the party.

7. Why is it when you are walking around with a group of ten people do you always look like you are looking for someone else? Is an even number bad? Do you feel like you need at least one more person? Talk to your friends and stop looking for whatever it is you are looking for. You look like tourists.

8. You have to really love someone to walk around arm in arm with your face level with their sweaty armpit. Please see observation number 2.

9. If you drink and throw up at the dance it that really the good time you were looking for? I think not. I can tell you that your mother is not going to be happy if the dry cleaner can't get the throw up out of your only suit. She will be even unhappier if you hide it in your closet and bring in out when Aunt Ethel dies. You see this is what in the adult world we call a no win situation. And NO she will not believe you had the twenty minute stomach flu.

But the most important tip of the night is:

Dress: $100.00
Dinner: $40.00
ticket to dance: $25.00



Having on the right underwear for your outfit: Priceless